I have always shared my struggles here on Whisper Creek in an effort to show that what seems impossible is possible..To prove that we can survive what we don't believe we can. We recently held a vigil for those who had taken their lives as a result of homophobic bullying. Just a few nights ago, I was offering hope.
Twenty-four hours ago, I didn't think I would be here. One of the reasons I reach out so hard to save those considering suicide, is because I so often find myself in the same position. If I can't save myself, perhaps I can save others, I think. In the past month, I have had 2 serious struggles with it. Several weeks ago, I called my parents to get my gun out of my house because I knew I was too close.
Last night was different. I was so very tired. The fight had finally gone out of me. I have been in this dark place for several weeks. It has been emotionally and physically debilitating as you will read below. I got on web cam with my friend and writing partner. Neither one of us has had an easy life. We have pulled each other out of some deep places before.
I asked her, screaming and crying, "Why is it never easy? Why do we always have to fu*king struggle?. There is never a time out, never an intermission, never a break. It just always a fu*king fight. I am so damn tired. I want it to stop."
I could find no positivity. I could only see more pain. I couldn't even say "God help me". It frightens me when I cannot pray. And I was scared.
My friend stayed with me until I was so tired, she was assured that I would do nothing but fall asleep. When I got up, still in my darkness, I wrote what you will see below. It was so negative, I couldn't put it up on a blog. It would hurt my those who love me too much. I am well aware the impact my battles have on my family and it only tortures me more during these times. So I emailed it to my friend again with a message...please help me.
When u lay in bed willing for you heart to stop beating
its bad
When u r alive only because your body involuntarily breathes
its bad
When love isn't enough anymore
its bad
When guilt is why u still exist
its bad
When u try not to adopt anymore animals so that when they are gone u can follow
its bad
When u can count what u've eaten in days on one hand
its bad
When ur tummy is hollow and u know that filling it is only worse
its bad
When u know ur last meal was weeks ago
its bad
When ur even too tired to cut urself for relief
its bad
When being awake and asleep both feel like nightmares
its bad
ITS JUST BAD AND I DON'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE.
In minutes, my friend was back on web cam, and I was back to crying. I didn't even have words to talk to her. But she had words for me. She found a way to make me laugh a little. She threatened to kill herself if I did just so she could follow me into the great beyond and kick my ass for being so stupid. She told me how we could be a team...Team Fu*k Up...and make tshirts and banners. She reminded me of the beauty of Whisper Creek and helped me dream about all the good we could accomplish. She reminded me that I had someone who loved me who would be here very soon.
She asked me to BELIEVE and have FAITH for just a few more hours that I could make it. And I did. It wasn't easy by any means. We explored the inpatient treatment option given to me by the doctor, but it frightened me so much. So we found more options, and my soul calmed. We started replacing all the negative thoughts I had listed with positive ones. We did it until we good say..."Its good." Then the weight didn't seem quiet so heavy as before. And I started to HOPE again. I looked forward to the day my girl would be home. I looked forward to the possibilities of Whisper Creek.
Each time I have glimpsed at death and imagined its possible peace and absolute finality...I edge a little bit closer. I think perhaps it is this moment that is destined to be my final one, but something happens and I make it.
What a difference a friend makes. What a difference believing and having faith can make.
What a difference 24 hours can make.
Jamie...you have things to do here...for others who do not have the gifts you have to share. Take heart...be of good courage...there isn't one voice that comes across so loud and clear and with such care and love as yours. How can you even think of depriving the rest of the world if you take yourself out of it? Why do you think you were made to be YOU? You have a big contribution to make...and ONLY you have been chosen to make it! Please know your value, stop listening to those hauntings of your soul, and share yourself, gift the gift of your life for thos who last theirs to those hauntings. God has work for you to do...and its not over! ...Love you Jamie...for what you bring!
ReplyDeleteA good friend is someone we can count on, as w...ell as being so much more. A friend is someone with whom we can relax and just hang out, have fun and share our innermost thoughts, deep dark secrets, lofty and noble goals, or our hopes, joys, and fears.
ReplyDelete<3 A good friend allows you a safe space to share your deepest thoughts and needs without worry of being judged, criticized or made to feel silly for feeling the way you do. Friends cheer each other on, laugh and cry together, and just plain commiserate and listen to each other.
That's why friends are friends.... ♥