I, like many in the GLTB community, was terribly affected by the large amount of recent suicides among our gay youth. It is so much a part of us. Although we are only about 10 percent of the population, our suicide rates are at nearly 30 percent.
This week since one death report after another came flooding in, I was so incredibly heavy-hearted. Although I can be rough on the outside, I am tenderhearted inside, but this went beyond that, and I couldn't understand why. I felt like I HAD to do SOMETHING...anything.
The only thing I have is my blog and my small fan page on Facebook. With help from my friends, we created a "Moment of Silence for those who are now Silent". It was to be a memorial for those who have died as a result of the oppression, rejection, and hate that gay people must deal with. It was also to reach out to let those in that place of suicide contemplation know that they are loved by someone, no matter what they hear from the rest of the world. We love them.
I spend much of my time on Facebook trying to do this. I am just a lesbian with a dream. I want to be able to reach out and say "You ARE worth the air you breathe. Please don't doubt your worth to the world. Please don't give up." I want to be louder than a prejudice society, homophobic churches, and hateful bullies. I have found out that just by reaching out to a gay young person and offering to be a big sister to them, can make a difference. Just that simple little thing. An email, a text message, anything can give them hope to hold on just a little longer.
The people who knew me growing up and during my time as a pastors wife have often been upset with my changing religious views. They worried I was going away from God instead of to him. I refuse to call myself a Christian because it holds such a negative meaning anymore. I do it to honor God, not to blaspheme God.
I understand that the reaction of most gays and lesbians to the term Christian is to automatically mistrust and put up (often necessary) defenses. The reason I know this so intimately, is I do it myself. I've learned it over the years after being told what an abomination I am, how my mere presence hinders the spirit of God, and on and on.We see very few examples of love from the Christian Church. You say "God is love" then show such hatred and prejudice.
How would you take it being called an abomination? How would you enjoy being told all the time that you are going to hell because of who you are? You tell us we choose to be gay and lesbian, yet we know our hearts. Do you think we do it just to be rebels? Do you think we that we enjoy having to look over our shoulders all the time because we know the chance of being bullied and beaten is a very real threat? Do you think we enjoy being stared at and kicked out of bathrooms because we don't look like you expect? That we liked being kicked out of our homes because of our "lifestyle" which is really just a life? Is that a life you would chose?
I say that not to say that we do not find happiness, but to try to get you to see, that your idea of "godly love" is in no way coming across as love at all. It is coming across as arrogance. And then you wonder why in the world we would walk away from traditional christianity? Why in the world would we stay?
I am infuriated to hear Christians say they will not befriend someone because they are of a different faith. Someone I know recently told me that they refused to friend an individual who was wiccan, then proceeded to tell me how horrible that person must be and how, I, myself was dishonoring the faith of my fathers. Did that person once give a damn that this gay individual could be hurting and needed someone, anyone, to love them? And then you wonder why we don't want to come to your church?
I am in a unique situation spiritually. I can frustrate and relate to both Christian and Atheist. I have come from the Conservative Christian Tradition and know it well. I have also been pushed away from this same tradition by my experiences, that I completely understand those who do not believe in a god. I have no judgment for them whatsoever. In fact, I have found the ones I have met to be wonderful people who do good without the need to be threatened by God's judgment .
If I attach the term Christian to myself, I immediately lose the trust of many in the GLTB community and I am not being true to my own beliefs which stretch far beyond Christianity. So tell me....what would Jesus do? WWJD? Would he walk passed these broken souls concerned if he will get to church on time? Would he judge them or would he stop everything he was doing and hold them and tell them how much they are loved. He would wipe the tears away, not beat them with bible verses.
I am so tired of the suicides. I am so tired of the murders. I am so tired of it self-hate being such a normal part of the GLTB community. I am so tired of my transgender sisters and brothers being beaten and then being told it was their fault because of who they are.
And so I speak out. I live genuinely. I refuse to hide. And I try my best to reach out with love to not only to the GLTB community, but to the Christian community as well. I try to say to them "Please consider the hurt you are causing. Please realize that you are not representing God in a positive light. Please stop for just a moment."
And I thought that was what the Moment of Silence was all about. I thought it was my motivation. Then I clicked back to check on the event. There it was. Someone paying respect to my lesbian cousin who took her own life because she felt unaccepted. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only did it bring back her death which was from a self inflicted shotgun wound, but it took me to where she was that day in her mind. Where I too have been. That moment of decision. How much more pain can I bear? How much more rejection can I take? And I see the pain in her eyes as it has been in my own eyes, and I hear the gun go off.
She is gone and I am alive.
And the thing that made it more significant, was the respect was being paid by a dear friend of mine who has struggled with the issue of my homosexuality. She wants to love me, but she wants to save me. She struggles between doing what her church says to do, and what her heart says. And she went with her heart. I know she was telling me in doing this "J, I love you". And that meant more to me than words can say. Someone finally really heard me. A CHRISTIAN finally heard me. And I am stunned.
That says so much to me about my friend. Someone with a real heart for God can see beyond doctrine to the person, and she did it. She really really did it.
And I hope I played some part in that. I know I struggle in my approach to Christians. I try so hard to be respectful, because it is the only way to bridge a gap. Yet I get so angry in times like these when one of my rainbow family hurts so much that they give up as my cousin did.
But my friend gives me hope and I thank her so very much. It tells me that I am not reaching for an impossible goal. And right now....that's all I need to know.
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