Intensity

Some days the panic hits me out of no where. That's part of a panic disorder. You never know when or where it will find you. You know it has no shape. You know it bares no warning. There are days when you look behind every corner because you know it is there waiting to pounce. On good days, you forget that it has ever been there.

Today, I wasn't expecting it. In fact I felt good. Not so great physically, but inside, I was happy. I was joking and picking on the other partners. Then I ate a sandwich. I know better than to eat at work. I associate eating away from home with panic, but I felt good and I was hungry.

But old habits die hard. From feeling good to panicked thanks to normal digestion.

Suddenly the noises of Starbucks I know so well....the ding of the drive thru bell, the steaming of the milk, the espresso bar pulling shots, the register opening up, the voices in the headset....all became something I could feel. You can feel the noises and they hurt. They are louder and somehow bright. Every time the noises vibrate, I felt them in my skin. And my reaction was to run home. To get away to where it was quiet. So I went to the only quiet place in the store....the potty.

Over the years, I've learned to use my imagination to find a safe place. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. Today, the forest was my safe place. It was where the forest meets the open field, where the grass is high and where, if you lay down, no one will see you except from above. Its a place my cats enjoy. They love to hide in the high grass. I guess I figured if it was a safe place for them it could be for me as well.

What your mind thinks in times of stress is important. Especially what you think of during those first few seconds. Normally, I am alone, in a safe place where no one can touch me so that I don't feel the painful sensation that comes with noises, touches, or sights. This time, for the first time, when I closed my eyes, I was no longer alone. I was sitting with my friend, my maker, my God. He didn't say a word, but sat with me, as he always does. He didn't reach out to touch me. He was just there. It was a moment that allowed me to keep going.... to be okay again. 

I am convinced that no one appreciates peace any more than a person who has lived with a panic disorder. When you feel fear intensely, you feel peace intensely. When you feel depression intensely, you feel joy 
immensely. I can't help but feel thankful for that. I can't help but feel blessed.

 I can look at this disorder as a curse or as a gift. There is no advantage in feeling cursed. However, to see this as a gift can bring hope not only to myself but to others. And that is what I intend to do.