Numbness is Salvation

 

When that which should bring you comfort

feels like being wrapped in razor wire

and chained to a mirror 

to look at nothing but yourself

Numbness is salvation

 

As the blood drips with 

every rip of your flesh

and tears do nothing but 

make you wet.

Numbness is salvation.

 

When the chain around your neck

is too heavy to move

and the cold stone floor

is freezing

Numbness is salvation.

 

When loneliness is easier

than taking the chance to be loved

because everything has to be in its place

to keep you sane.

Numbness is salvation.   

When every thought you have

and every move you make

is to balance you enough 

that you don't fall off a cliff.

Numbness is salvation. 

 

But when that happens, 

you aren't numb anymore 

and you can't control it

and you wonder then

What is my salvation? 

 

Then you see how far you have to fall

and that chain doesn't look so bad anymore. 

 

Burn

 

 

The demons became tired of the midnight battles

 and I became tired of their constant prattle,

 and finally, thank the Goddess, they fell asleep, 

and it was a nap that I prayed was six feet deep. 

 

Not wanting to bother, just let them dream, 

I quieted my Others, didn't let them scream.'

Forbid them to whisper, yet they continued to shake

like we were submerged waist high in a frozen lake. 

 

I remember the fire, I could feel the blaze

can't forget the burn among the smoky haze

the vibration from the pain of my body on fire

and I begged for the Goddess to take me up higher. 

 

But no matter how I begged, it was useless to plead

for they woke and my tears did surely bleed

my skin crawled as their breath I felt

and the brimstone, once again, I clearly smelt 

 

Once the sun went down, it was time to go

to the nights I remember, I intimately know

So I curled up tight and I did ache

for now it was time again for a demon date

 

Once again their voices would loudly scream

whether awake, in flight or in my dreams 

Now they have their second wind and are ready to blow

the deep dark fire that burns away my soul.

 

 

Acceptance

 

 

 

I've gotten to know me,

and I know me quite well.

sometimes its been painful

a guilt trip to hell.

 

 

 

 

 I had to learn to love me

when I was told I was a curse

some abomination that

was proven with some holy verse. 

 

Its been a lifetime of voices

external and in my head

some telling me I'm worthy

others wishing me dead. 

What shouldn't have been a trauma

cause I was promised pure love

became a verbal beating

and I spilled my own blood. 

 

I hated me for being me

curse God for this cage 

felt nothing but anger

that turned into violent rage.

 

I screamed in my mind

and it shattered like glass

my heart broke in pieces

the blood burst forth en masse.

 

I learned how to cut

and I learned how to bleed

because it was my lifeline

when for death I would plead 

And slowly, too slowly

I began to accept

That when people condemned me

it was their own souls that wept. 

For that hate and self-righteousness

was nothing but fear

that they had to appear better

better than this queer. 

All the talk was about them

it was never about me

they feared for their souls

although they said they were free

To think God could be proud

believing her queer kids were worthy

that love is just love

and they deserved their love story. 

 

Such a thing would rock their foundations

and their perfect world, it would crumble

and instead of standing on soap boxes

they would kneel and be humbled.

 

So if God says she loves me

who am I to debate

I can lay down my armor

and stop being irate.

 

So with the perspective of God

I can see me and say

God made me just perfect

for I was made this way. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shatter Like Glass

I'm afraid to go to sleep
cause time will pass to fast
and the time will come I'm dreading
when my heart will shatter like glass

I wanted so badly to save you
to help you let go of the pain
of the nightmare you lived
memories seared on your brain

You wanted so much to be loved
and I promise I loved you much
but I couldn't break the bonds
even with a gentle touch

You made me love hard
and angry like no other
I wanted to give you peace
to be able to love another.

The past had damaged your spirit
the fear damaged your heart
the rage replaced your happiness
I hope you knew at the start

I saw kindness in your eyes but
Your fear transformed to anger
and when it hit its peak
it transformed to danger

You were so much like me
my fear often turned to rage
you and I lived alone
in our own fiery cage

I held you in those rare moments
when you finally let go
and stopped living like a warrior
and let love from me flow

But your pain was to much
to let your heart transform
to dream of only good things
when inside you were a storm

I'm sorry that I failed you
I know I was too late
maybe if things had been different
I could have saved you from this fate

I hope in letting you go
that you will find your peace
and no longer remember
and the nightmares will cease.

I'll remember you forever
you are sealed within my heart
I will grieve you greatly
when we are pulled apart.

Stranger Staring Back at Me

 

Tell me sweet Momma

what should I see

when I'm standing at the mirror

a stranger staring back at me.

Who the hell is that?

I've never seen her here before

I'm getting kinda dizzy

I don't know myself no more.

I'm weighed down so heavy

both my heart and my skin

gravity, my enemy

stole the one I was within.

I once was strong, but now I'm weak

my body I betrayed

I let it down, cant pick it up

felt my ego cascade

My eyes look worn and tired

an `old soul, or just plain old

the fat hides the wrinkes

and keeps out the cold. 

Do I love me as I am

or change who I should be

a question I ask of you

the stranger staring back at me.

Girl x 2

When I think I know what I look like

but then a mirror I walk passed

I see someone I don't recognize

society's outcast.

I run into deep shadows

hoping it wasn't true

the person I saw in the mirror

was a girl multiplied by two. 

Perspective is everything

a room of mirrors, my foe

seeing the whole picture

is my ego's final blow

She is me, but he is she

a kaleidoscope of faces

envision all or envision none

truth pours into these spaces

A half century has passed

and yet I am still breathing

completely unexpected

that my heart is still beating

I'm nothing I thought I would be

maybe a failure, maybe not

I guess its about who you ask

and if I'm in ear shot

When I look closely at my past

I think "oh fuck what did I do"

I want to smack myself because

I made my nightmares come true. 

So again, I look at my reflection

why didn't I know I looked like that?

a middle aged woman 

mentally ill, embarrassingly fat

In my mind I have envisioned

androgynous with a touch of boi

stronger, chunkier than most

a sense of humor and coy

So, what the hell happened

where did I change a long the way?

nothing feels like it should but

thank God that I still am gay. 

Daniel

Don't jump, please don't, Daniel

don't jump now from this place

your body may be gone

and your spirit into space.

I know that your Dad is gone now

in the river he was found

lifeless, his heartbeat quiet

no one knows why he drowned

I know you're engulfed in anguish

feeling it'll never cease

unbearable is putting it lightly

only death will bring release.

Daniel, I've been there before

to this river I came to die.

I starred at the current crying

to get the nerve to say goodbye

I lived thanks to one thought

tomorrow I can die my way

death can come when I want it

it just can't come today

So Daniel, I promise I get it

the last thing you want is to leap

but you can't live like your living

so you beg for eternal sleep. 

You don't want to go

but no wish to exist

is the strength remaining inside

enough to try to persist

You'll never know, Daniel

if you dive down from this place

You'll never know, Daniel

if you jump out into space. 

Daniel, please don't go