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Saturday, July 13, 2019

Shatter Like Glass




I'm afraid to go to sleep
cause time will pass to fast
and the time will come I'm dreading
when my heart will shatter like glass

I wanted so badly to save you
to help you let go of the pain
of the nightmare you lived
memories seared on your brain

You wanted so much to be loved
and I promise I loved you much
but I couldn't break the bonds
even with a gentle touch

You made me love hard
and angry like no other
I wanted to give you peace
to be able to love another.

The past had damaged your spirit
the fear damaged your heart
the rage replaced your happiness
I hope you knew at the start

I saw kindness in your eyes but
Your fear transformed to anger
and when it hit its peak
it transformed to danger

You were so much like me
my fear often turned to rage
you and I lived alone
in our own fiery cage

I held you in those rare moments
when you finally let go
and stopped living like a warrior
and let love from me flow

But your pain was to much
to let your heart transform
to dream of only good things
when inside you were a storm

I'm sorry that I failed you
I know I was too late
maybe if things had been different
I could have saved you from this fate

I hope in letting you go
that you will find your peace
and no longer remember
and the nightmares will cease.

I'll remember you forever
you are sealed within my heart
I will grieve you greatly
when we are pulled apart.












Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Stranger Staring Back at Me


 

Tell me sweet Momma
what should I see
when I'm standing at the mirror
a stranger staring back at me.

Who the hell is that?
I've never seen her here before
I'm getting kinda dizzy
I don't know myself no more.

I'm weighed down so heavy
both my heart and my skin
gravity, my enemy
stole the one I was within.

I once was strong, but now I'm weak
my body I betrayed
I let it down, cant pick it up
felt my ego cascade

My eyes look worn and tired
an `old soul, or just plain old
the fat hides the wrinkes
and keeps out the cold. 

Do I love me as I am
or change who I should be
a question I ask of you
the stranger staring back at me.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Girl x 2






When I think I know what I look like
but then a mirror I walk passed
I see someone I don't recognize
society's outcast.

I run into deep shadows
hoping it wasn't true
the person I saw in the mirror
was a girl multiplied by two. 

Perspective is everything
a room of mirrors, my foe
seeing the whole picture
is my ego's final blow

She is me, but he is she
a kaleidoscope of faces
envision all or envision none
truth pours into these spaces

A half century has passed
and yet I am still breathing
completely unexpected
that my heart is still beating

I'm nothing I thought I would be
maybe a failure, maybe not
I guess its about who you ask
and if I'm in ear shot

When I look closely at my past
I think "oh fuck what did I do"
I want to smack myself because
I made my nightmares come true. 

So again, I look at my reflection
why didn't I know I looked like that?
a middle aged woman 
mentally ill, embarrassingly fat

In my mind I have envisioned
androgynous with a touch of boi
stronger, chunkier than most
a sense of humor and coy

So, what the hell happened
where did I change a long the way?
nothing feels like it should but
thank God that I still am gay. 





Saturday, June 22, 2019

Daniel



Don't jump, please don't, Daniel
don't jump now from this place
your body may be gone
and your spirit into space.

I know that your Dad is gone now
in the river he was found
lifeless, his heartbeat quiet
no one knows why he drowned

I know you're engulfed in anguish
feeling it'll never cease
unbearable is putting it lightly
only death will bring release.

Daniel, I've been there before
to this river I came to die.
I starred at the current crying
to get the nerve to say goodbye

I lived thanks to one thought
tomorrow I can die my way
death can come when I want it
it just can't come today

So Daniel, I promise I get it
the last thing you want is to leap
but you can't live like your living
so you beg for eternal sleep. 

You don't want to go
but no wish to exist
is the strength remaining inside
enough to try to persist

You'll never know, Daniel
if you dive down from this place
You'll never know, Daniel
if you jump out into space. 


Daniel, please don't go

 

 

 


 



Sunday, May 12, 2019

Changing



Leaving behind the anger
Leaving behind the rage
Walking out the gate
Leaving my steel-hard cage.

Sitting on the grass
Sitting beside a stream
Listening to life's glory
Setting aside my screams

Maturing in mind and body
Maturing to my years
Maturing into a butterfly
Maturing beyond my dreams.

Learning how to be content
Learning how to cope
Finding happiness has different forms
and there is always reason to hope.

Recognizing my strength,
Recognizing my will
Acknowledging the women who gave me form
Recognizing they're still here.

Inside me lives the blood of struggle
Inside me lives the acceptance of change
Inside me lives determination
Inside me a soul rearranged






 



Saturday, July 14, 2018

Hiding Behind the Post


Who is it that hides behind the written post
the mundane musings of a cyber-ghost
a picture of one you have never seen
yet call them friends, an introvert's dream

Do they pretend to laugh, when flames of hell
tickle their feet, and the dead man's knell
rings to the beat of their heart's drum
and they beg that the darkness never comes. 


Are they composed, unruffled, tranquil, even placid? 
deadpanned, poker-faced, stone-faced, impassive?
Yet while comprising a sentence, leaving nothing to spare
their world is exploding, they are left with no air 

Normal is a strange man's ambition 
a foolish game, for there's no transition
to be normal is to live as some one else
who you don't recognize to be yourself. 

Behind the post, you hide in consonants and vowels 
make people think you have spilled your bowels
when all you have dumped is empty bullshit
for behind the sentence exists a misfit. 

Behind the post, hiding in the wings
avoiding their own image for inside it stings
stands a soul naked, its secrets uncovered
waiting to be noticed, to be discovered.  







Wednesday, July 11, 2018

The Great Abyss




Everybody's got their demons
memories that won't let go
pain that digs trenches 
but their faces will never show

Hiding behind a pace
a ritual of routine
moves it to the dark
a place of unheard screams

But when the world goes silent
and breathing is all they hear
the mind wanders in circles
to a mirror that reflects their fear.

As they stand and face themselves
the bloody tears streak their face
the empty eyes look back at them
scars and bruises have found their place.

Its easier to stare at each other
to criticize and dismiss
for to glimpse our on image
would open the great abyss.