Numbness is Salvation

 

When that which should bring you comfort

feels like being wrapped in razor wire

and chained to a mirror 

to look at nothing but yourself

Numbness is salvation

 

As the blood drips with 

every rip of your flesh

and tears do nothing but 

make you wet.

Numbness is salvation.

 

When the chain around your neck

is too heavy to move

and the cold stone floor

is freezing

Numbness is salvation.

 

When loneliness is easier

than taking the chance to be loved

because everything has to be in its place

to keep you sane.

Numbness is salvation.   

When every thought you have

and every move you make

is to balance you enough 

that you don't fall off a cliff.

Numbness is salvation. 

 

But when that happens, 

you aren't numb anymore 

and you can't control it

and you wonder then

What is my salvation? 

 

Then you see how far you have to fall

and that chain doesn't look so bad anymore. 

 

Burn

 

 

The demons became tired of the midnight battles

 and I became tired of their constant prattle,

 and finally, thank the Goddess, they fell asleep, 

and it was a nap that I prayed was six feet deep. 

 

Not wanting to bother, just let them dream, 

I quieted my Others, didn't let them scream.'

Forbid them to whisper, yet they continued to shake

like we were submerged waist high in a frozen lake. 

 

I remember the fire, I could feel the blaze

can't forget the burn among the smoky haze

the vibration from the pain of my body on fire

and I begged for the Goddess to take me up higher. 

 

But no matter how I begged, it was useless to plead

for they woke and my tears did surely bleed

my skin crawled as their breath I felt

and the brimstone, once again, I clearly smelt 

 

Once the sun went down, it was time to go

to the nights I remember, I intimately know

So I curled up tight and I did ache

for now it was time again for a demon date

 

Once again their voices would loudly scream

whether awake, in flight or in my dreams 

Now they have their second wind and are ready to blow

the deep dark fire that burns away my soul.

 

 

Shatter Like Glass

I'm afraid to go to sleep
cause time will pass to fast
and the time will come I'm dreading
when my heart will shatter like glass

I wanted so badly to save you
to help you let go of the pain
of the nightmare you lived
memories seared on your brain

You wanted so much to be loved
and I promise I loved you much
but I couldn't break the bonds
even with a gentle touch

You made me love hard
and angry like no other
I wanted to give you peace
to be able to love another.

The past had damaged your spirit
the fear damaged your heart
the rage replaced your happiness
I hope you knew at the start

I saw kindness in your eyes but
Your fear transformed to anger
and when it hit its peak
it transformed to danger

You were so much like me
my fear often turned to rage
you and I lived alone
in our own fiery cage

I held you in those rare moments
when you finally let go
and stopped living like a warrior
and let love from me flow

But your pain was to much
to let your heart transform
to dream of only good things
when inside you were a storm

I'm sorry that I failed you
I know I was too late
maybe if things had been different
I could have saved you from this fate

I hope in letting you go
that you will find your peace
and no longer remember
and the nightmares will cease.

I'll remember you forever
you are sealed within my heart
I will grieve you greatly
when we are pulled apart.

Stranger Staring Back at Me

 

Tell me sweet Momma

what should I see

when I'm standing at the mirror

a stranger staring back at me.

Who the hell is that?

I've never seen her here before

I'm getting kinda dizzy

I don't know myself no more.

I'm weighed down so heavy

both my heart and my skin

gravity, my enemy

stole the one I was within.

I once was strong, but now I'm weak

my body I betrayed

I let it down, cant pick it up

felt my ego cascade

My eyes look worn and tired

an `old soul, or just plain old

the fat hides the wrinkes

and keeps out the cold. 

Do I love me as I am

or change who I should be

a question I ask of you

the stranger staring back at me.

Hiding Behind the Post

Who is it that hides behind the written post

the mundane musings of a cyber-ghost

a picture of one you have never seen

yet call them friends, an introvert's dream

Do they pretend to laugh, when flames of hell

tickle their feet, and the dead man's knell

rings to the beat of their heart's drum

and they beg that the darkness never comes. 

Are they composed, unruffled, tranquil, even placid? 

deadpanned, poker-faced, stone-faced, impassive?

Yet while comprising a sentence, leaving nothing to spare

their world is exploding, they are left with no air 

Normal is a strange man's ambition 

a foolish game, for there's no transition
to be normal is to live as some one else

who you don't recognize to be yourself. 

Behind the post, you hide in consonants and vowels 

make people think you have spilled your bowels

when all you have dumped is empty bullshit

for behind the sentence exists a misfit. 

Behind the post, hiding in the wings

avoiding their own image for inside it stings

stands a soul naked, its secrets uncovered

waiting to be noticed, to be discovered.  

The Great Abyss

Everybody's got their demons
memories that won't let go
pain that digs trenches 
but their faces will never show

Hiding behind a pace
a ritual of routine
moves it to the dark
a place of unheard screams

 

But when the world goes silent
and breathing is all they hear
the mind wanders in circles
to a mirror that reflects their fear.

As they stand and face themselves
the bloody tears streak their face
the empty eyes look back at them
scars and bruises have found their place.

Its easier to stare at each other
to criticize and dismiss
for to glimpse our own image
would open the great abyss. 

Chained

In a dream, a light beam

and a body laying there

tied in chains, tethered pains

and silence, then whispered prayers. 

Naked, she glistened, and blood christened

the soul be destined to gaze

with no emotion, like a frozen arctic ocean

life existing in the haze.

Into sleep she escaped, but then she was raped

by nightmares all her own

of times past, the broken glass

forever embossed in stone.

She struggled to wake, no breath could she take 

the chains held her tightly bound

then she gasped, and quickly grasped

that hers was the only sound. 

Out the lone window she peered, and clearly appeared

Life in its breath-taking glory

then she recalled the gore, the inner war

that had become her own life's story.

Time, it ticked, each second it tricked

one minute seemed like forever

all she could do, was to think, and she knew

the chance of her chains being severed.

She had to accept, and suddenly she wept

emotion flooded, drowning her eyes,

though the shackles fell, she remained in her hell

and I woke with the sunrise.

 

Dark

What is this, that steals my bliss
and drops my soul to hell
my flames are frozen, I am the chosen
to carry darkness in my shell.

En masse, the shattered glass
from the high pitch of my screams
then the chatter within dark matter
whispering a nightmare in my dreams.

The darkened hand, in shadowed land
takes my heart into its grasp
a crushing vice, threatens my life
as my breathing becomes a gasp.

Its a game of life-long acclaim
participation is required
I have no vote, no momma's note
no option to retire

I must stay and I must play
for mercy I no longer implore
As the darkness blows, through me it flows
a deep and bloody roar.

Its no surprise, I recognize 
the eyes of my own fate
dark as night, no friend to light
my companion I love to hate.













 

 

66 Reasons

You've given 66 reasons to make me believe

66 reasons knowing I was naive

66 reasons to follow and cleave

66 reasons never thinking you could deceive.

You handed me a puzzle one piece at a time

promising in the end that peace would be mine

then up a mountain I was told to climb

and I would pray to you every night at bedtime

You said when I reached the summit never look back

but I slipped and fell, no time to react

and I turned and what I saw gave my head a crack

for before me was the puzzle complete and exact

The pieces, now a whole, brought me no peace

it gave me no solace, it gave no relief

for those 66 reasons for my faith and belief

was destroyed in a disaster, a volcanic motif.

Now there's 66 reasons to ask you why

it all seems nothing but a deceptive lie

I was a servant to a Master who said I could fly

then put me in chains and made me look at the sky.

The Mirror

She knew since she could remember

The demons that stalked her very soul

the hands that swiped her, didn't like her

being always cautious took its toll.

As she grew and became stronger

she wondered if she could stand and fight

but the preacher, said the creatures

had the power and they had the bite.

Only God, he claimed, could banish them

all she had to do was ask

so she implored him, did adore him

but her pleading only burned to ash.

So she ran frantic through the forest

the anger raged inside her heart

the holy assurance, the fire insurance

tore her skin cruelly apart

She knew the floor of the black forest

she had a mental map of the land

the slashing claws, the snapping jaws

the red raw skin whispered a plan

She raised her eyes hopeful through the canopy

and followed the journey of the sun

she broke through briars and the liars

she left behind most everyone.

She chased the light till after midnight

then she rested against a log

the heavy breathing, slowly receding

by morning the sun had lifted the fog.

She ran fast, thoughts of survival

was always in her mind

the thoughts of living, of the forgiving

for those who's intentions were unkind

She finally made it to Paradise

she lost the demons in the east

 here in the west, she felt so blessed

to have finally found her peace 

She lived with joy, she lived with zest

she became the one that she had dreamed

she found her smile, the entire stockpile

she knew her soul had been redeemed

Then in a moment, it all had crashed

what did she ever do so wrong

she looked at God through his facade

and knew this was her sad swan song.  

She headed east, she never doubted

demons waited for her return

they'd been refining and even pining

she recalled the heat of the burn

She touched down surrounded by hills

the mountains she knew so well

her breath a gasp, she was home at last 

immediately locked inside her cell. 

She heard their echos in the distance

good to see you, welcome back

she shivered slightly, waited nightly

in the cell painted deathly black 

In the dawn she calmed a little

things weren't as scary as they seemed

the faded scars, her memoirs

perhaps was only in her dreams.

Then in a moment she slowly turned 

and what she saw, it stopped her breath

her own expression, in that reflection

then she wished for the mercy of death.

The final truth, the naked honesty

she begged God "don't let me see"

her heart in lockdown, her soul a showdown

in tears she whispered "the demons, they were me"

 

Black Hole

Karma shows no mercy

but the acid of my truth

burning in my actions 

blaming immature youth.

I can see the sorrow

I left in my wake

the burnt bridges I ignited

drowning those I did forsake

It hit me like a bullet 

this karma of mine

tore my flesh and my spirit

leaving dripping blood line

Its not too much to kill me

that'd be too easy they say

best to force me to relive it

let karma crush and repay.

Then I turned and I saw it

a mirror reflecting off my soul

a reminder that bad decisions

lead to a black hole. 

I can never go back

the gravitation's too strong

I must live in the abyss

of the things I did wrong. 

Frozen

Alone, paralyzed, frozen and seized
exceptionally afraid to even breathe.
Then the Universe or God will notice me
in all my raw, naked reality.

Please, I beg, don't look in my eyes
where all my dark and secrets reside
You'll laugh and curse, and then dismiss
like I'm a dirty orphan at Christmas

But I'll look at you direct, and my face will be blank
one image you'll see and no you can't
determine the way I feel inside
cause you're not safe enough to go for that ride.

I'll shut you down like a switch upon a wall
and I won't answer the phone when you call
cause it feels like a snake I should surely fear
so I drop it, run, and get the fuck outta here.

And I wonder stupidly why I'm all alone
seized by fear, frozen by God, paralyzed by the phone
Its my circle of life until my circle of death
amplified, solidified, until my last breath. 

Hidden

It pulls me to the corner
so black no star recalls
like a fetus curled tightly
so tiny and so small.

There to go unnoticed
by any passersby
no one to ask the questions
when and what and why


I lay as stiff as the dead
and breathe quietly even still
afraid to move, afraid to speak
the ground is cold and chill.

The magnet pulls ever tightly
down the ancient darkest wells
sometimes it feels like refuge
sometimes it feels like hell.

Perhaps the Universe will miss me
or pass by when he sees my blood
my sacrifice for living
that intermingles with the mud.

I am the dirt where the flowers grow
the manure that gives them feed
I fight the weeds to keep them away
from the lone and tiny seed.

Let the flower shine like glory
let its prizm-ed colors show
while I remain the humble earth
that only helps it grow.

Reject

Momma Divine, sweet Queen of Heaven
hear my prayer tonight
this child of yours, so ripped and torn
needs warmed by your light.

Inside of me within my soul
your divine essence flows
among the twisted ladder
foundation that made me grow.

My heart, now bound and shackled
it has hurt far too long
the regrets, mistakes, decisions
twisted it in to something wrong.


Its doesn't seem such a good thing, mom
I beat to a different drum
and all that lives inside my mind
falls silently on my tongue.

To the world I am a rock
to you I am a tree
to the world a stone-face countenance,
to you a prisoner fighting to be free

It is only behind closed doors, Momma
and in the darkness beyond night
that I show myself as I am
and then I begin to write. 

Until then I am closed down
hiding under the stone they expect
crawling ever deeper
where no one can reject.

 

I See

I see us.

Little ones sitting in the dark corner with our legs pulled to our chest trying to disappear.

I see me.
A stone-faced tomboy...dirty, ripped overalls fading into a frightened church girl and back again.
I see you.
Curly wild hair caressing a simple girly dress with a dirt smudge on your cheek grasping a book of secrets.
I see them.
A crowd of no faced, two faced, filthy clean monsters held back by the force field we created.

I see us again.
Grown ones still being pulled to the dark corner but no longer able to disappear
I see me
Stone-faced and angry, scanning the horizon, ready to pounce and fight
I see you
A beauty who has given life, served many, endured much, wilt at the thought of herself.
I see them.
It is us, staring back at ourselves in a kaleidoscoped mirrored room.

When the monsters were dead and gone, we resurrected them daily.
We cut, beat, starved, violated, abused, attacked, bruised and battered ourselves.
We needed no enemy. The enemy was us.

I see us.
Unworthy of love, afraid of love, yet desiring to be loved, still holding on to each other near that dark childhood corner.
I see me.
Wanting to rescue you from all that torments you, but the tormenter IS you. I am helpless.
I see you.
The reflection in your eyes is the person you see when you look at me, and I don't know him yet.
I see them.
Struggling hard to love another who doesn't feel worthy of love.

We play and replay those messages from a time long ago.
The ugly, stupid, sinful, dirty, undeserving ones that make us shrink into nothingness. Nobodies.
Yet the messages are in our own voices.  The enemy is us.

I see us.
We want to laugh, cry, love, fight, make mistakes, connect, fall apart, and rebuild
I see me.
The stoned-faced one who fights never to morph into HER again, but in doing so causes pain to the one held most dear.
I see you.
This beloved muse of mine that tries fiercely to shine bright enough, that she eventually collapses.
I see them.
Tired of being monsters. Wanting to make peace. To become the reflection we really should see. Many beautiful, worthy people in love.

Silver Blade

Sweet silver blade

oh, temptress thee

slide down my flesh

and bring release to me. 

Your edges, whisper silent

in red elegance and lace

and clarity rests firmly

on their quintessential face.

In words I couldn't utter

my stories I couldn't tell

my skin in eloquent discourse

describes every detail.

Oh, Blade I have missed you

the welcome sweet release

if only for a moment

to feel a little peace. 

Wish upon a thousand stars

I made a wish on a thousand stars

and none of them came true

my eyes opened up at sunrise

but beside me it wasn't you

I thought that just maybe

this had all been a dream 

that the world had played a trick

and things weren't as it seemed

And I would wake up from this nightmare

of endless hours alone

and there you would sit so beautiful

in this place we made our home. 

So each morning I my eyes opened slowly

and I listened for your breath 

and I only saw an empty wall

around my heart the hand of death

Time passed by and I found a way

to put one foot in front of the other

but loving you with all that is me

leaves no room for loving another

So I melt into daydreams

I become a character in a book

I watch a drama on the tv

afraid to raise my eyes to look

If I glance around I'm reminded

that this is reality

that your life goes on so far away

and your heart beats without me. 

I guess that's how it goes 

fear and anger invaded my head

My heart stopped the moment you walked away

can you breathe if you're dead?

But somehow I continue to fool the world

and some days convince myself

that a happy ending is still possible

in our book upon that shelf.

So when I see a star shining in the night

I'll make another wish or two

that in this life or the next

I'll fall asleep holding you.

Alone

Nothing more lonely
than being alone in a crowd
the laughter, meaningless
the voices, loud.

The world spins without you
leaving you stranded
on your own island, lost
dumped and abandoned

They say "you are lovable"
words mean nothing, you see
its what you do, how you look
when you stare right through me

I know I'm not perfect
never claimed I was
but how do you just walk away
from someone you said you loved?

I've known loneliness all my life
I never fit in
but this deep kind of loneliness
should be considered a sin.

It cuts so deep
no words describe the hurt
but a blade and blood dripping
mixing with the dirt.

I'm good enough for laughter,
I'm good enough for fun
but when it comes to commitment
I'm good enough for none.

I sit here wondering
how I got to this place, this time
life showed so much promise
in those grand dreams of mine.

I'd be somebody
I'd do it right
guided by my creator
during my prayers at night.

It wasn't so simple
not a matter of logic
twenty years later
staring at an empty closet.

I no longer trust myself
and there is no wise sage
to help me figure life out
to help guide my ways.

Tears would smear the ink
if only I could cry
but instead I sit here
and inside slowly die.

I have to make a miracle
to stop this fatal dive
a branch to grab and cling to
a way to stay alive. 

 

Glue

I'm supposed to be inspirational

an example of a kind

that helps the wounded get up

and find some peace of mind.

But I've found that I'm broken

I fell somewhere back there

and I'm hangin on a wing

and I"m hangin by a prayer

And I know my poetry hurts

it don't lift a damn soul

but it is what it is

my own personal scroll

I may not have much

but my words they will remain

and my story will be told

of living the insane

The day to day realities

of being quite shattered

and looking deep inside 

to see the ones that mattered

To gather them together

at this table we sit 'round

and we talk bout how we got here

and we plan on where we're bound. 

And though we don't see

much future for us all

we all get up and dressed

for each wake up call.

Cause we know we may be wrong

though we fear we may be right

and we'll wish we had bowed out

and left this here fight

We're 8 going on 40

we're strong and we're weak

we talk and we're quiet

we write and we speak. 

But all in all we are

this person that you see

the one standing  before you

inside a family.

And maybe you think we're crazy

and we don't have a prayer

but we've been walking a long time

on nothing but thin air.

And though we are broken

the pieces are all accounted

and one day we'll be better

than the finest statue mounted

But right now, we ain't right

ourselves we have to love

so don't expect much peace

more a vulture, not a dove.

We pickin' apart the past

and tossing the flesh aside

until we figure it out

whats all fucked up inside.

So for now we on hiatus

go watch a commercial or two

while we go a shoppin'

and pick us up some glue.

 

Replay

The shadows start to fall

and the leaves they do too

and time changes backward

and frost replaces the dew.

And the darkness envelopes

the sun and then its gone

and I look out the window

and realize that its on.

Let the fight start up again

the demons come a knockin

I've seen them so much

their looks ain't even shockin

Their voices, straight up evil

their powers of the kind

they don't have to get close

to get inside my mind

And the voices get to rockin

and my stomach starts to roll

and my grip gets much tighter

on my ever lovin soul.

And in my other hand, a sword

to take their life or take mine

either way it goes

we'll be here next time.

When the shadows start to fall

and the leaves they do too

and time changes backward

and frost replaces the dew.