He Stood

He stood as they cursed him

He stood as they screamed

He stood as they shamed him

He stood forever, it seemed.

He hoped on a wish

He hoped on a prayer

He hoped for some magic

He hoped God was there.

He believed in his heart

He believed in his divine

He believed he was created

He believe he was fine.

He swam toward his dreams

He swam against the tide 

He swam to find peace

He swam for his pride

then....

He stood as he pondered

He stood a recluse

He stood near a chair

He stood near a noose.

He imagined his death

He imagined the smother

He imagined his tormentors 

He imagined his mother.

They stood, a large crowd

They stood, and many cried

They stood as he spoke

They stood full of pride.

He lived on that stage

He lived and made a choice

He lived in spite of heartache

He lived to add his voice. 

I Wish You Wings

Pearl: Always in our hearts

You always were a unique little soul
sometimes shy, other times bold

To all the others, you were a queen
a fairy tail, a canine dream

You were irresistible, those big brown eyes,
who could say no, although I tried.

You could piss me off, you could make me laugh
I'd finally give in, when you begged for half

You weren't the brightest, but you were the best
a little pearl, and a lot of jest

I thought you'd be here, long chihuahua days
but when you left, my heart went ablaze

Tell me did I fail you, or were you designed to fly
one last adventure, under the autumn sky

I wish you wings, and a chance to roam
and when you're ready, I wish you home.

Welcome to Mental Illness 101: Please take notes

I don't know why, or who, or how or where

I look around and nothings there

The world looks strange, its a movie screen

I didn't buy tickets, I want to scream

Don't pick me up officer, I'm scared and may run

don't put me in lockdown, I need home where there's none

No people, no talking, no noise, all quiet

lock me up, sir, and there may be a riot

I'm desperate for my safe place, you don't understand

I'll kick and I'll fight, until back on my land

On Pine Street I'm headed, and to Pine street I'll go

get out of the way and don't do it slow

One second is a million, one minute is ten

I got to get home, it can't wait til then

cause I will go crazy, already insane

ain't nobody's fault, got no one to blame

Its just how it is, you see I am broken

but its my life and I want it, don't want to be chokin'

but things are confusing right here, right now

my crayons aren't in order, gotta be fixed somehow

The papers I had that made sense a while ago

now my brain stupid and working kinda slow

I don't know what they say, I don't know what they mean

just some other language, just confusion seen.

My brain, it turned off, I can't find the switch

I'm typing from somewhere, now ain't that a bitch?

Dissociated and floating is what I be doing

not stoned, not drunk, just fucked, I aint screwing

In insanity I write, then I wait til the time

when some sense returns to my poetic mind

then I'll be normal, continue to try

I've given up asking why me, Lord why?

Cause some say its a curse, if it is what the hell

Its my curse to deal with, in my own little cell

its frustrating, true, but its part of who I be

so leave me to deal with the person that's me.

Good Enough: The Effects of Fundamentalism on the Heart

They beat us hard

with the book so well

yet the scars were inside

so no one could tell

They said "be good"  

you gotta do right

never good enough though

we prayed day and night

The years passed by

and we grew more f*cked

trying to be most perfect

by their rules of conduct

Twenty made us forty

and forty made us eight

and we couldn't even manage

to keep our heads on straight

Depression was our friend

happiness was our foe

after time had tic-tock passed 

there was no safe place to go

We got mighty exhausted

our gas was in the red

we didn't feel like livin'

but f*cked if we turned up dead.

Your book put us in prison

in solitary, a box

no hope to see the daylight

or other prisoners in cell blocs

So we finally turned insane

but you blamed us even still

we didn't have enough faith

in the one nailed on the hill.

 You wind us even tighter

and our hearts turn into gel

while you tell us we're not good enough

and bound our souls to hell. 

Finally we  make a decision

die here or take leave

you've killed our hearts already

and loving God we can't conceive

So while we lay in our caskets

six feet inside the earth

don't come to our grave singin'

about some holy soul rebirth

 Amazing Grace how sweet the sound

that saved a retch like me?

I once was lost, but now I'm found

hanging dead from a tree.

To the Church of Intolerance

Here I am.

I don't back down.

You want a piece?

  You're white as fleece?

But I'm worth hate

I can't relate,

Don't educate,

Don't repopulate.

Cause your message is wrong

an empty song,

I don't belong,

I won't go along.

Cause you love in stages

in different phases.

You put us in rages,

in emotional cages.

 I'm supposed to believe

in these lies you conceive,

In these ways you deceive

Do I look that naive?

But I know the truth.

I'm an amazing sleuth.

So I'll make my own way

Won't be led astray. 

I pray.

To the Moon I say, Thank You

You were my saving grace,
I adored your space
And  your embrace
I could never replace.

You made me more
Than what I was before
You opened the door
Made me want to explore.

Suddenly I was alright
I knew more than fright
And during the night
I could see the light.

You carried my weight
My own soul mate
You didn’t berate
You helped me create.

And when it was time
 I was in my prime
No longer sublime
But I could climb.

Then you let me go
At first a big blow
But determined to show
That I too could glow.

I became so tenacious
So completely vivacious
Absolutely audacious
My heart felt so gracious

Cause now I can fly
I can touch the sky
I don’t ask why
You had to say goodbye.

It was your affection
Your loving protection
Your heart connection
Gave me a new resurrection.

AND I SAY THANK YOU.

Guess I had a Bad Day

I thought you'd never, never go away

That you'd be here, always, to stay

Thinkin' I still take your breath away

With our love, we'd always be okay.

They say that love, love conquers all

Guess that's nothin' but a bullsh*t call

Now you're gone and I feel so raw

I can't stand, but continue to crawl.

I thought I knew you, knew you so well

that if I looked in your eyes I surely could tell

when you were no longer under my spell

I feel foolish and face my hell. 

I planned on being on bended knee

to ask you again to marry me

instead I sit here quietly,

in a crowd, yet still so very lonely.

Guess that's life, let me say that it sucks

I've been hit hard with a major in flux,

The next decade was going to be deluxe

but now I find myself curled in corner tucks.

Yep, I'll make it, make it I will

but that don't mean that sometimes I won't feel

that I've been hit, hit in the grill.

But, like always, I'll find a way to chill. 

I'll be pissed, yes, and I'll be mad

and some days I know, I know I'll be sad

but I'll overcome and make my spirit glad

I'll not think of the love I once had.

Cause I've got to believe, believe in me

that I am more than somebody's throw away debris

that I am loving, and happy, and free

and I will resurrect spiritually.

Still, it hurts.

Can't Help Which Way My Heart Fell

Growing up I didn't believe
that one day I might receive
a love that many couldn't conceive
or that others would aggrieve.

No celebration came that day
from the world, no great display
it was an evil they portrayed
the day you took my heart away.

 Can't help which way my heart fell
I'm under love's sweet magic spell
Sure doesn’t feel like a sinful hell
What can I do, do tell, Oh Well
Like an old forgotten tree
Where I fell wasn’t up to me
Why can’t they just let it be
And try to be happy for me?

Heaven knows best, I know its true
Its up to God what is taboo
but he brought me to you
And made my heart feel renewed.

So if God says its right
Then for you I’ll stand and fight
If it takes all day and night
I’ll be your brave white knight.

My Own Livin' Art

Tired of my fortune being up for grabs

the good and bad, can't seem to keep tabs.

They say sh*t happens, and I know its true

that life just happens, happens to you.

 But I"m tired of being the mat at the door

I don't have to take it, take it anymore.

Life is just what I want it to be

finally my life is up to me

It all depends on how I see

a victim or a victor, my own emcee.

What's a mountain to you can be a hill to me

just want to fly up high, and be the victory.

Today a brand new start, a vow to take

Life is what I make it, gonna make it great.

Find reasons to smile, and less to be sad

Make happiness seem like a new found fad

Do all I can and give God his part

gonna make living my own living art.

Karma Stings the Evil

They say Karma is a bitch

and revenge is the Lord's

ain't got no problem with that

'cause they're both in one accord.

Now I don't mean to be cruel

it ain't what I'm all about

but when Karma stings the evil

I wanna stand up and shout.

Gotta admit its mighty nice

when the haters feel the hate

reap the fruit of their labor

and with destiny have their date.

You will sow what you reap

in those words make no mistake

sow love and it will return

but beware in sowin' hate.

Numb, Empty Eyes

You can make me feel so high, I would die if I fell

and you can make me feel so low like I'm swimming in hell

but when the phone finally rings and you are clear as crystal

all I can feel inside now is like a stone cold pistol.

There was once when one and one always made two 

but when I look around now, I no longer see you.

And I don't even know how I should feel

cause being alone still seems so unreal. 

Well, I know I'm gonna make it, I'm too stubborn otherwise

but when you look at me, you may find empty eyes,

being numb can sometimes have its benefits

cause sometimes there's no other way of keepin' my wits.

But it makes it kinda tough to ever love again

Don't wanna be run over by a reality train

To think all is fine and dandy, and life is all grand

only to find out I had my head stuck in the sand.

Well I think I still have sand grains stuck in my eyes

cause I personally thought that I was a pretty good prize

held you up on the pedestal of a living queen

made lovin' you part of my daily routine.

Guess its time to learn a whole new way of livin'

cause I still got lots of love that really worth givin'

so if you find that you really want to step aside

I'll make the hurting of the world my new lovin' bride. 

Fire

F*cking soul reach for peace
Make the angry-ness cease
Explode and decrease
Send out a press release.

Butch knows what she doin’
Not bitchin’ and brewin’
Just attemptin’ renewing
But quite misconstruing’

So f*cking confused
Of course it ain’t news
I oft’ self abuse
When I can’t seem to diffuse.

But I hold in such fire
Such burning desire
To somehow inspire
To hold your head higher.

But I f*cking am tired
Of feeling so wired
So much has transpired
Peace is desired

But I’m too much a mess
I have to confess
I try to oppress
When I don’t feel so blessed.

In this moment so pissed
In a dark angry mist
My hands frozen in fists
And rage I resist.

F*ck you damn demon
I go kicking and screamin’
Middle finger be beamin’
In my head I am dreamin’.

That someday I’ll stop fightin’
Scraping and biting
Some peace be inviting
When I put it in writing.

Cause I’m f*ckin’ depleted
Way too superheated
Fightin’ undefeated
Yet still uncompleted.

And my humanness sucks
I ain’t got the bucks
No super deluxe
Puts me always influx.

But I keep steppin’ and walkin’
And I keep on talkin’
And I’ll be a balkin’
Til’ the coroner chalkin’.

But for now give me quiet
Put my mind on a diet
Maybe a room in the hyatt
Can’t take no more riot.

I gotta lay down
Soul’s gotta rebound
If I don’t, wait around
My spirit will drown.

So I‘ll count the pink sheep
As I try to sleep
Inside I may weep
Pray my soul you will keep.

Landin' in my Lap

Wake up every mornin', my stomach in my throat

tryin' to keep going, don't want to give up hope

my wheels keep spinnin', am I goin' anywhere?

Does anybody hear me, my heart's in disrepair.

Same ol' sh*t all the day long

workin' for a penny, workin' for a song

can't pay the bills though they gots to get paid

how I'm gonna pay them, I already prayed.

Not trying to do wrong, just wanna do right

but I'm tired of this battle, I'm tired of this fight

A promise ain't a promise when it ain't f*ckin' kept

leavin' me with all this sh*t deeply in debt.

I stood with you throughout it all, you didn't give a sh*t

I took it til you walked away, til you done went up and quit

And so it lands in my lap, all this crap you left behind

how I'm gonna do it, on a dollar and a dime?

Doin' all I can, gonna give it a go

is it gonna work, how the hell do I know?

but I know I'm gonna try, can't give up on it too soon

but sometimes I wanna say, what the hell, f*ck the moon.

*This poem was written during a time of great hurt which was turned to anger to protect me. I included it because it is some of my favorite poetry. However, my sincere apologies to the Moon. I'm glad we are friends again.

Lead me kindly, lightly....Cause I'm so damned lost

I’m on this mother fucking damn roller coaster ride
Its headed straight down, got no safe place to hide
I wanna scream loudly, but the screamin ain’t fun
It’s the scream of a fucker with a phat machine gun.

Wanna shoot the damn demons that plague my brain
The stupid mother fuckers trying to drive me insane
I know that  I’m something that God the Father made
But I still want to cut myself up with a blade.

Maybe he can put the pieces back together again
Make me think with peace, fill me with some holy zen.
Cause I’m tired of being tired, fightin’ every night and day
God why can’t you fix me, why did you make me this way?

It all gets in my head and makes me so confused
And my heart takes a beating and is left sore and bruised
And I don’t know where to go and I find I’m so lost
I can’t even read the map my mind is so criss-crossed.

So lead me, kindly, lightly, guide me in the path divine
And help me to feel some of  Mother’s comfort sunshine
Cause I’m hidin’ in the forest from my own kind of wrath
So please show me the way, please show me the path.

Ripped and Torn

My heart is ripped and torn
And the world won’t slow a bit
Gotta call for the medic
Before my heart up and quits

But how you gonna fix it
If it won’t stop and skip a beat
There ain’t no laying’ down
Still be walkin’ on my feet.

How’s it gonna heal
I don’t give a rat’s ass
All I tell myself
Is that this too shall pass.

But in saying what I feel
And feeling what I say
I wiggle and squirm
I don’t like it that way.

Tired of the fight
Of being self judgmental
It makes me crazy still
And feeling kinda mental.

I wanna let it go
Lay it down and walk away
But it only waits to get me
On some other day.

Maybe that’s all I can do
Its all that I can ask
Is that for a moment in time
I can leave it in the past.

And one day in the future
Hopefully not far down the road
I can lay it down one final time
Lay down the heavy load.

And I Wonder....

Sometimes I look into my eyes

and starring back like the clear blue skies

is an empty shell, without a soul

and cold as the plains of the north pole.

and I wonder....What am I?

No damn emotions inside me to track

no footprints in the snow when I look back

just numbness and nothing, bitter cold

is that me in the mirror, am I growing old?

and I wonder....Who am I?

Here I am, hel--lo, I am here

between hell and heaven, I don't know where

just vacant and empty, an abandoned well

what can I do, someone do tell.

and I wonder....What do I do?

Its like an alarm bell sounded loud

and out dispersed this big huge crowd

leaving me here all alone

a sack of dry, dead,  lifeless bones.

and I wonder....Where am I?

Did I disappear? Am I in there?

If I am will someone tell me where?

And I cut myself to see if I bleed

to see if there's a spirit who needs to be freed.

and I wonder....How am I?

Am I hiding out in camouflage?

am I in some sort of battle, why do I dodge?

sometimes I'm my own worst enemy

what will it take for me to see?

and I wonder....What do I look like?

Will there be a happy ending? I can't say for sure

will there be a miracle, will there be a cure?

All I can do is try as I might

continue the battle, continue the fight. 

and I wonder....How strong am I?

One day I'm certain I'll recognize me

don't know how long the wait will be

but I know when it happens I'll make a friend

I'll hold her close, I'll hold her hand.

and I'll wonder...Where have you been, my friend?

Cave

Crawl in my dark secluded cave

its my heart I'm trying to save

I can't see out, you can't see in

while I figure what's wrong within.

And while I sit inside of here

I make like magic, I disappear

maybe I cease to exist

vanish quietly and safely into the midst.

But I still see the me that's inside

what hurts so much, what I'm trying to hide

and I can't make it go away

no matter how hard I try to pray.

I'm in a bad place, I'm in it now

but surely I will make it, make it somehow

I'll open up this small dark place

and clean it up and make some space.

Maybe one day when its fully healed

in this cave I've kept so concealed

I'll let in sunshine, I'll bless this place

and I'll allow your sweet embrace.

But until that moment, until that time

continue to love me, continue to shine

because your spirit to my heart does bring

love carried by the angels on their angel wings.

Single Sport

I'm a bit under pressure

feel the heat, feel the steam

the times are gettin' heavy

and their gettin' very lean.

What was once a team game

is a single sport now

and I wonder how to make it

got to make it somehow.

But I gotta say its lonely

gotta play all by myself

so I pick up the ball

and I put it on the shelf.

And I sit in the silence

once I heard you, heard your voice

but I won't be defeated

by your stupid fuckin' choice.

Though these times they really hurt

I won't fib, I won't lie

ain't no worse than I been through

I will do, or I will die.

So in the silence of the evenings

in my head the game is played

and I go on undefeated

cause in my heart I have prayed. 

A Raw Honest Cursing Prayer

Tears cascade down like an open flood gate

its more than I can handle, its more than I can take

Why did you make me, Lord,  if I'm gonna be in pain

what would that accomplish, what would that gain?

Just rip my heart out, rip it out now

I'm tired of this livin', and figurin' out how

outside I look like 40, inside only 10

when you gonna take it, tell me when, fuckin' when?

Now I don't mean no disrespect, but Lord, what the fuck?

It takes all I have not to step in front a truck

I know it ain't your fault, I don't mean to scream and shout,

but I look at that gun and wanna blow my brains out. 

I'm yellin' at you Lord, cause you're all that I've got

who can see my insides and my heart in such a knot

I'm beggin' for your mercy, for your grace to face the day

But I really gotta ask, why you let me be made this way?

Maybe there's a higher purpose, or its only in my dreams

to make it more bearable, the reasons for my screams

whatever it is, it hurts and feels like fuckin' hell

makes me want to bid the world a final big farewell.

But I made it to the mornin' time, didn't think I'd see the sun

but its easier now today, cause daddy's got the gun

and mom stood watch over me all night and in to day

and she waited until she knew that I would be okay.

And I know that even now, Lord, they pray for me tonight

that my heart will heal again, that my soul will be alright

and I know that it will be, cause it always has before

but please, Lord, let me rest, cause I'm really mighty sore.

The Cutting Muse

If I don't write, I surely will explode

cause I'm carrying such a big emotional load

the airlines would charge me for all these extra bags

and I'd get writers cramp filling out the tags.

So what do I do with all of this weight

Its not that I like it, I really hate

but its in me and ain't gonna disappear

I ain't hangin' on to it like some souvenir.

So what do I do before I pop

before I kill over, before I drop?

sometimes the only thing I know to do

is cut the pain away and try to start anew.

Lord knows I'm a cutter and I know it gives you pain

but sometimes its all that keeps me from goin' insane.

but if I can put the pain into a jammin' rhyme

it buys me a minute, it buys me some time.

So I write mighty often and hopefully well

to keep myself away from a cutting hell

but some days it hurts and some days I weep

and I pray that the Lord, my soul will keep.

But thanks be to God, I write like I breathe

but when I can't, inside, my head, it  does seethe

and I look at the knife and I pick it up

and I taste once again from the bitter cup.

Maybe one day soon, I really don't know

I'll find a better way, to deal, when I'm low

but if its the only thing that keeps this chick alive

I gotta do what I have to in order to survive.

~~For all of you cutters out there...I understand~~

 If I don't write it on paper, I write it on my arm.

Your scars tell stories.

Someday you must share them.