Surpassing the Erotic

I've got an ache

and a yearning

chains I can't break

a heart that can't stop burning

Once upon a time

A covert mission

to some, a war crime

to me, sweet submission.

I was on fire

surrounded by the Divine

I did desire

to be mystically intertwined 

An intimacy

that surpassed the erotic

its intricacy  

hopelessly hypnotic 

An eager passion

to experience and to dive

drown in compassion

to finally be alive.  

Encased in peace

hugged by my craving

may it never cease

may I be worth saving.

Ablaze

At 18 I awoke and opened my eyes
Breaking through my curtains, the morning sunrise
I found that I was breathing and fully alive
"Now what?"  I whispered to myself, fully surprised.

The night before I swear, I was only a child,
I was inexperienced, naive, I cried and I smiled
Was it magic or mayhem, was my heart now defiled?
The night my innocence transformed into the dark and the wild.

I gasped, my breath was taken and hidden somewhere
Breathing, an afterthought, who really needs air?
I was lost, afraid to move, but suddenly aware
I was choked by the Bible Belt, and caught in its glare.

The light, it charred me then it set me ablaze
burned for sins to come, not bending to its ways
Without breath, and body scorched, I fell into a daze
all the while I heard them as they loudly praised.

Time stood still, yet it moved ever so fast
In my own time warp, saw my space ship sail past
The G forces, strong, but determined to outlast
once innocent and loved, but now a rainbow outcast.

Maybe I haven't been the one others thought I should be
But if I followed their path, I would no longer be me
No matter what it costs, I will pay the fee
To live in the light of the dark and free

 












 

Willow

Willow left her homeland, the one that love banned

the place where she was born and grew

the hillside, the preacher's bride

longed for more than she ever knew.

When she arrived there, in the sun's glare

stood a woman, exotic and fine

her eyes a brown glass, and Willow did ask

Someday will your heart be mine?

And just in sight, the glowing moonlight

shown proud, radiant and beaming

the stars danced, as if they were entranced 

and Willow woke from her dreaming.

When the dawn broke, and the birds spoke

She saw the sun rise off the land

Willow watched her sleep, nice and deep

and brushed her brown skin with her hand.

Unbelieving, still conceiving,

Willow looked up to Heaven to say

How can love be this bare reality

Please never take it away.

Time went fast, and love outlast

as they endured hard ships time and again

death of loved ones, wrath of cruel ones

who declared their love was a sin.

In between the pain, the hard days refrained

and laughter was mingled with romance

they watched people walk by, laughed till they cried

and never gave the future a glance. 

They took in a play on a sunny day

and heard about the circle of life

the message astounding, the reaction resounding

it was a great day to be wife and wife.

Then it all went wrong, just like a bad song

and nightmares shattered all their dreams

they couldn't repair, on a wing and a prayer

all the damage that tore at their seams.

Stunned and outraged, in a confused daze

Willow looked up to Heaven in tears

how can love be unjust, I pray and I trust

but now I drown in all my fears.

In a place far away, where the willows still sway

you will find a girl with dreams and with fire

of love of a kind, like your love and mine

someday to be engulfed in desire.  

The Dream

I dreamed of you last night

I was there, my spirit free

I saw your eyes, your welcoming smile

and remembered when we were WE

I saw your head with that innocent tilt

watched you giggle as you joked

felt the fragrant breeze as you walked by

heard the accent when you spoke.

You were in a home decorated with you

built in the hot inland sun

from the kitchen I heard Nanay

and the smells of sinagong.

Tatay watched his wrestling show

and tagalog floated between the two

my heart burst with memories

of me, of them, of you.

Your asian features, your body curves

etched with fire in my mind

your deep brown eyes and soft brown hair

I beg to be intertwined.

You kissed me and ask me to stay

How long I have awaited this chance!

but I knew I would have to return to my life

and prayed for one last dance.

And then the dream ended

and the night became the dawn

and I lay there with a broken heart

for you, the moon, were gone.

Dying hour

Dead and almost buried

a shovel in one hand

my heart covered in dirt and rock

another hurt I couldn't stand.

Did I bury it because it ceased to beat

or to protect it from the rest?

I guess it doesn't matter

there's no life now in my chest.

Yet my brain still lives in torture

as it awaits its own flatline

all the memories and possibilities

twist and snarl in my mind. 

If I could hurt more now I would

but I have no tears left to give

they dried up long ago

as my soul struggled to live.

Then in my dying hour

my last breaths coming close

I heard your voice and caught your eyes

and in that moment I swear, I froze.

It was you, my anam cara, 

twin flame, my soul's repair

my mate, my kindred spirit

my heart, my all, my air.

And you breathed life back in me

we resurrected, our own divine

we crossed all space and galaxies

we stopped the clock of time.

Then you went to the grave

dug up what I left behind

and with the tears of a lifetime

cleaned it until it shined.

And I kissed your wounds of battle

I saw you had scrapped and fought

to live just like I had

though it seemed all just for naught.

Then I took my heart, still beating

from your hand and into mine

and I broke it in half and gave it to you

my heart, my soul, entwined.

Now when we stand before the other

and quietly we listen

our hearts beat in one rhythm

and enshrined it proudly glistens.  

 

Star Dust

Let me touch your thoughts

and see inside your dreams

cause deep in your eyes

lay desires, it seems

Lay my ear on your chest

secrets never heard aloud

I can hear them whispered quietly

in this safe and sacred cloud.

Let our souls, naked bare

interlaced, intertwined

on a bed of faith and hope

that was divinely designed.

As the world falls away

and all that's left is us

I'll lift you to the heavens

and glory in star dust.

Wish upon a thousand stars

I made a wish on a thousand stars

and none of them came true

my eyes opened up at sunrise

but beside me it wasn't you

I thought that just maybe

this had all been a dream 

that the world had played a trick

and things weren't as it seemed

And I would wake up from this nightmare

of endless hours alone

and there you would sit so beautiful

in this place we made our home. 

So each morning I my eyes opened slowly

and I listened for your breath 

and I only saw an empty wall

around my heart the hand of death

Time passed by and I found a way

to put one foot in front of the other

but loving you with all that is me

leaves no room for loving another

So I melt into daydreams

I become a character in a book

I watch a drama on the tv

afraid to raise my eyes to look

If I glance around I'm reminded

that this is reality

that your life goes on so far away

and your heart beats without me. 

I guess that's how it goes 

fear and anger invaded my head

My heart stopped the moment you walked away

can you breathe if you're dead?

But somehow I continue to fool the world

and some days convince myself

that a happy ending is still possible

in our book upon that shelf.

So when I see a star shining in the night

I'll make another wish or two

that in this life or the next

I'll fall asleep holding you.

Flat line

Staring at a blank wall

inside this cell I sit

a prison of my doing

to the jail bars I submit

Then upon the wall playing

the movie of my life

the bridges I burned, so many,

too many scars, my knife.

The bittersweet memories

I should be making even still

the moment I saw her first

a healing balm, a pill

A miracle of passion

that fixed my soul, so broken

the pieces glued together

by her gaze, it was unspoken.

I don't recall unimportant things

I cast all them aside

but burned inside my brain

the moment she became my bride.

It was joy unspeakable

something I never knew

no dreamer could've imagined

the love between us two.

And as I watched my life pass by

the film continued to roll

the moment of impact

when I failed and broke her soul.

I didn't see it coming

it was suppose to last forever

we promised a lifetime day and night

but in a moment it was severed.

And when that time came

I ceased to be alive

nothing could shock me back

no miracle kept me alive

Yet I still walk the earth

my body just a shell

so alone in this cell I sit

in my own personal hell.

And it doesn't seem to matter

the how, the who, the when

my heart just stopped beating

in the year 2010.

Purification and Revelation

I weathered the storm

I walked through the flames

I laid on the nails

and I read both the names

I cut til I bled

prayed hoping to cry

imagined me screaming

asking myself why

I played with the legos

and beat them on the ground

until my knuckles bled

sleep I finally found

I knocked myself senseless

then in morn I would wake

and I would wonder "dear God

how much can I take?"

Then in one night 

of magic, of divine purification

I drew the image on my heart

in bloody mutilation

And I found that it wasn't

the message I had been expecting

but the one I would die for

and live just protecting.

And in that revelation

I looked at what I had drawn

and let go of what might of been

and began to move on. 

And though there is pain

in this decision too

I know in my heart

its the right thing to do.

So I hope for you, my friend

great peace beyond measure

and that in your love

you will find such a treasure. 

Eternal Friends

I had to admit it was over

you and me and all it means

the idea of growing older

with you now its only dreams.

I tried to do it the best I could

to love you for all I'm worth

but I couldn't be what you deserved

the finest jewel on Earth. 

But I'll love you while I'm breathin'

and I'll love you after I'm done

I'll know your soul when I see it

cause it'll be the brightest one. 

But while we're here in reality

let me help you when you cry

let me be that strongest soldier

that will protect you till I die.

Then when you find me in the next world

maybe it'll be all well

cause I've already fought to get through

my own personal hell. 

And maybe the bad will be burned away

and good is all that remains

and I'll be the person I was meant to be

free of all the chains.

But I'll love you while I'm breathin'

and I'll love you after I'm done

I'll know your soul when I see it

cause it'll be the brightest one. 

But while we're here in reality

let me help you when you cry

let me be that stronger soldier

that will protect you till I die.

And as the years, they tick away

may our friendship grow so sweet

cause in my heart I have no doubts

in the next our souls will meet.

Hero

He gave it all up

his life and his dream

when he saw me in agony

when he heard me scream

The ultimate sacrifice

his life for my own

though he still lives and breathes

the powers disowned

And the man he wanted to be

rejected as undeserving

because he loved so much

felt my life was worth conserving

To me, he'll always be

a hero who took a stand
who let me go to save me

a man unlike any man.

His heart still drips of gold

his soul still speaks Divine

his laughter still so genuine

he stands so tall and fine.

His life speaks what he preached

and I know his tears he hides

when he loved enough to give up

his one, his love, his bride. 

I will always be thankful for the sacrifice of your own dreams you made so that I could live. I wish I could have been what you needed, but I was not. My love for you has not diminished just as my pride in watching you preach when I was your bride. It was not with you I was unhappy. It was with me. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go. You have shown me time and time again what a real MAN and a read Man of God should be.

Homesick

I miss when you were here 

or really when I was there

when dreams seemed possible

and I finally was breathing air

I was somebody

your love and your heart

then it came along and sadly

tore it all apart. 

And now when I open my eyes

every where I see you

each tear holds a memory

reflected off the morning dew.

The willows that we planted

the wall hanging that you chose

and when the wind is just right

the scent of your wild rose.

The lines on the roadway

remind me of the day

when our tire blew on the ten

to Long Beach, on our way 

 

In the warm summer breeze

the hint of a setting sun

I hear us still harmonizing

each song as if we were one.

"In the Garden" was your fave

and the angels gathered round

when you would sing and I would alto

as we sat on the ground.

Remember the ducks who always came

to see us every night?

I still look for them each day

but without you it isn't right. 

And when the deer wander down

I wonder even still

if some witnessed your beauty

as we watched them walk down the hill.

So many good times among the sun and sand

Santa Ana winds and California heat

then among the hills of Tennessee

summer grass beneath our feet.

Its been three years without you

though you live 'tween waves and desert dry

and each night I look to the heavens

to see you in the night sky.

And I ask the birds and implore the rain

that if someday they make their way west

that they check to see if you're really okay

and life is giving you the best. 

Your voice still echoes

as you sang when I was in fear

in your language so exotic

Oh, God I wish you were here. 

I've never been so empty

each moment, the time, it ticks

another moment away from you

is a moment I'm homesick.

Promise in the Sand

Tell me, what do you do

when your heart's not in your chest?

but you know its still pumpin'

cause you are alive and in this mess

And the hollowness of its absence

echoes of times long ago

when life seemed worth living

and the future you didn't know.

Your heart now resides

'cross the valleys and the plains

past the mountains and the rivers

through the desert with no name.

Now when I take a breath

it hurts so I exhale

then, by nature, I breathe again

its some kind of rotten hell.

Then a single tear drops to earth

my love for her in its core

and it sends a message to her

I will love you forever more. 

Tell Me Sweet River

I came to the water
to sit down and ponder,
What do I do?

I'll always remember
with greatest splendor
bein' with you.

Livin' a life
without too much strife
I found joy every where.

Now that you're gone
and I'm on my own
I find it hard to bear.

That reflection I see
used to be you and me
I let out a sigh.

I was so much more
I felt I could soar
and now I can barely fly.

So tell me River
as I sit here and shiver,
how do I find the great peace of mind
to get up and carry on?

How do I recover?
discover, uncover
the strength now that she's gone?

Sacred Forest Love

by oristart on deviantart

In the forest our spirits meet

A sacred chapel under our feet

Heavenly hymns sang by the angels above,

And they sing of us, our sacred love.

And facing  you, I hold you gently
And look into your eyes, intently
My thoughts to your heart without a sound
As love and blessings all abound.

And taking your face into my hands
Your lips to mine as only I can
A gentle kiss that leads to passion
And I love you in my own sweet fashion.

Your fingers caress my arms, so strong
And to the scars there so long
And with my eyes I ask permission
If I can proceed on this sacred mission.

And I look at you, for I desire
To bring you heavenward, to lift you higher
So with your blessings, inside you I travel
To learn you well, your secrets unravel.

Only beginning is our time in this place
Laying intertwined, as I avoid all haste
I hold you close, never wishing to part
But hoping that I’ll always have your heart.

And when in the world we reappear
Beside you I stand, have no fear
For around you close, my wings will wrap
And when you are tired, in my arms you’ll nap.

And I will protect you when you cry
For you I will fight, for you I will die
Just love me always, forever dear
And I will love you and always be here.

Night of the New Moon

Walking in the dark, 

no sun, no moon, no stars

just me and the earth, too exposed without bars

I step, the world turns, so pointless to exist 

I heard a gentle whisper and looked up through the mist.

The clouds opened up and I saw the moon

A glimmer of hope that couldn't come too soon

In its magic light, my future I saw

My heart beat again, the night the new moon called.

We talked until dawn, until first light

The moon slept quiet until the next night

Again we met, my heart skipped a beat

I felt strong again, standing on my own two feet.

Together all these years in love, the moon and I

The Holy One with a twinkle in his eye

The union that he blessed, the dark became the night

When he whispered to me gently on that lonely night.

~Written Early 2009

Young Love

Rise on the wings of the dawn with me
be one with me
fly with me everyday and make me complete
hold my gaze with your eyes
look into my soul and see that my love is for eternity
Let me touch you, kiss you, hold you and breathe in passion with you
Your name is branded on my heart, my moon, my light, my romance dream
You, who have fulfilled every fantasy my mind could create
have turned an empty, lonely existence
into an amazing, exciting life so worth living
Promise me that forever you will be mine
My queen, my friend, my soulmate
My heart is forever yours.


~Written 2000

To the Moon I say, Thank You

You were my saving grace,
I adored your space
And  your embrace
I could never replace.

You made me more
Than what I was before
You opened the door
Made me want to explore.

Suddenly I was alright
I knew more than fright
And during the night
I could see the light.

You carried my weight
My own soul mate
You didn’t berate
You helped me create.

And when it was time
 I was in my prime
No longer sublime
But I could climb.

Then you let me go
At first a big blow
But determined to show
That I too could glow.

I became so tenacious
So completely vivacious
Absolutely audacious
My heart felt so gracious

Cause now I can fly
I can touch the sky
I don’t ask why
You had to say goodbye.

It was your affection
Your loving protection
Your heart connection
Gave me a new resurrection.

AND I SAY THANK YOU.

Guess I had a Bad Day

I thought you'd never, never go away

That you'd be here, always, to stay

Thinkin' I still take your breath away

With our love, we'd always be okay.

They say that love, love conquers all

Guess that's nothin' but a bullsh*t call

Now you're gone and I feel so raw

I can't stand, but continue to crawl.

I thought I knew you, knew you so well

that if I looked in your eyes I surely could tell

when you were no longer under my spell

I feel foolish and face my hell. 

I planned on being on bended knee

to ask you again to marry me

instead I sit here quietly,

in a crowd, yet still so very lonely.

Guess that's life, let me say that it sucks

I've been hit hard with a major in flux,

The next decade was going to be deluxe

but now I find myself curled in corner tucks.

Yep, I'll make it, make it I will

but that don't mean that sometimes I won't feel

that I've been hit, hit in the grill.

But, like always, I'll find a way to chill. 

I'll be pissed, yes, and I'll be mad

and some days I know, I know I'll be sad

but I'll overcome and make my spirit glad

I'll not think of the love I once had.

Cause I've got to believe, believe in me

that I am more than somebody's throw away debris

that I am loving, and happy, and free

and I will resurrect spiritually.

Still, it hurts.

Wakin' Up

I'm thinkin' last decade was only just a dream

a long coma-like, a super supreme

had all the things I never had before

like at the end of the book, and you lookin' for some more.

Think I fell into the home of the Jed Clampettes

struck gold, and behold,  I'm off to the Ritz

this hillbilly chick packed up and headed West

swimmin' pools, movie stars, I was quiet impressed.

Fell in love with a Dove and all she was about

super-fly, I was high, and very devout

up high on the throne, she was my beauty queen

and in the light of her smile I was always serene. 

Chillin' out, there's no doubt, I was in South Cali

ocean waves, music raves, not in my Tennessee Valley

I would find, in my mind, I'd say "is this for real?"

or will I walk around the corner and my true life reveal?

How in the world did this girl turn out to be so blessed?

to be in love with my Dove in our place in the West?

to overcome all the crap that had troubled my mind?

All the tears, all the fears I thought I'd left behind.

Then, damn, I woke up, and here I am once more

in the hills, with the bills, in the land of the poor

what to do, feelin' blue, should I take another nap?

and hope for a replay, an instant recap?

Nah, guess it time, make a rhyme and take my head out' my ass

see the sun, its just begun, feel my toes in the grass

ain't so bad, don't be sad, this is Tennessee,

and if I look, a new book, I can guarantee.

I'll turn a page, and then engage, in a brand new story

but in this account, on the mount, I'll give God the Glory

I'll hold him high, he's super fly, and my beauty King

and I will know, and he will show that he's the Real Thing.