Acceptance

 

 

 

I've gotten to know me,

and I know me quite well.

sometimes its been painful

a guilt trip to hell.

 

 

 

 

 I had to learn to love me

when I was told I was a curse

some abomination that

was proven with some holy verse. 

 

Its been a lifetime of voices

external and in my head

some telling me I'm worthy

others wishing me dead. 

What shouldn't have been a trauma

cause I was promised pure love

became a verbal beating

and I spilled my own blood. 

 

I hated me for being me

curse God for this cage 

felt nothing but anger

that turned into violent rage.

 

I screamed in my mind

and it shattered like glass

my heart broke in pieces

the blood burst forth en masse.

 

I learned how to cut

and I learned how to bleed

because it was my lifeline

when for death I would plead 

And slowly, too slowly

I began to accept

That when people condemned me

it was their own souls that wept. 

For that hate and self-righteousness

was nothing but fear

that they had to appear better

better than this queer. 

All the talk was about them

it was never about me

they feared for their souls

although they said they were free

To think God could be proud

believing her queer kids were worthy

that love is just love

and they deserved their love story. 

 

Such a thing would rock their foundations

and their perfect world, it would crumble

and instead of standing on soap boxes

they would kneel and be humbled.

 

So if God says she loves me

who am I to debate

I can lay down my armor

and stop being irate.

 

So with the perspective of God

I can see me and say

God made me just perfect

for I was made this way. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He Stood

He stood as they cursed him

He stood as they screamed

He stood as they shamed him

He stood forever, it seemed.

He hoped on a wish

He hoped on a prayer

He hoped for some magic

He hoped God was there.

He believed in his heart

He believed in his divine

He believed he was created

He believe he was fine.

He swam toward his dreams

He swam against the tide 

He swam to find peace

He swam for his pride

then....

He stood as he pondered

He stood a recluse

He stood near a chair

He stood near a noose.

He imagined his death

He imagined the smother

He imagined his tormentors 

He imagined his mother.

They stood, a large crowd

They stood, and many cried

They stood as he spoke

They stood full of pride.

He lived on that stage

He lived and made a choice

He lived in spite of heartache

He lived to add his voice. 

Ablaze

At 18 I awoke and opened my eyes
Breaking through my curtains, the morning sunrise
I found that I was breathing and fully alive
"Now what?"  I whispered to myself, fully surprised.

The night before I swear, I was only a child,
I was inexperienced, naive, I cried and I smiled
Was it magic or mayhem, was my heart now defiled?
The night my innocence transformed into the dark and the wild.

I gasped, my breath was taken and hidden somewhere
Breathing, an afterthought, who really needs air?
I was lost, afraid to move, but suddenly aware
I was choked by the Bible Belt, and caught in its glare.

The light, it charred me then it set me ablaze
burned for sins to come, not bending to its ways
Without breath, and body scorched, I fell into a daze
all the while I heard them as they loudly praised.

Time stood still, yet it moved ever so fast
In my own time warp, saw my space ship sail past
The G forces, strong, but determined to outlast
once innocent and loved, but now a rainbow outcast.

Maybe I haven't been the one others thought I should be
But if I followed their path, I would no longer be me
No matter what it costs, I will pay the fee
To live in the light of the dark and free

 












 

Deaf

Why can't they hear

why can't they see

what their words do so often

to people like me?

Why can't they listen

don't they even give a fuck

who draws their own blood

who finds death is luck?

God loves you....bullshit

only if you're one of them

sheep who forget their own 

fucking little sins.

God made me bad, you say?

Told you its okay to hate

How will you feel when my ending comes

by my own hand of fate?

Fuck you motherfuckers

Ain't no Christ-like in you

 just mount your high horses

so the hate you can spew.

I don't give a damn what you tell me

that ain't no kind of love

it feels like I'm in the talons

of a fucking monster dove.

It ain't God with whom I'm angry

its God who I trust

its you and your pulpit

feel holy if you must. 

But I walk to the woods

and on holy ground I stand

and I know I"m not judged

by you or any man. 

Blessed are the merciful

for it is mercy they will be shown

yet you scream of hate instead

from your righteous megaphones.

If you're offended by my anger

I'm offended by your conceit

dragging people through the shit pile

instead of offering a mercy seat. 

Homosexuality and the Bible: WWJD?

It is amazing how we all assume we know what the Bible says and does not say. As much as we use it to determine how we should and shouldn't act, we do little but read it...we do not STUDY it. In order to study any work of literature, holy or not, we must put it in the context of the time it was written. We must learn how the people of the time lived, acted, and thought. If someone from 1000 years ago or a 1000 years into the future were to read something written today, they would understand little of it because they do not understand our vocabulary and culture today.

For instance, until a few years ago, the term "gay" was used to mean happy. Today it refers to homosexuals. If one did not know that, one would assume that there was lots of controversy about happy people in the 21st century and would wonder why being happy was such an issue. Only until they had read more about us, would they realize the context of the word.

That is part of the problem in us trying to interpret the biblical scriptures in regards to homosexuality. We are taking scriptures that are thousands of years old, was not written down until much after its origin, for which we do not have the original written record, relying on translations from a time when there was no Hebrew or Greek dictionary to pick up, reading it literally without regard to its context, and saying we know exactly what God thinks.

The second problem is our tendency to use proof-texting where we pull any verse from scripture, say "here it is...this proves ________is right or wrong". An example is the Holiness Code.

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." (Leviticus 18:22) and Chapter 20:13 which reads, "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." 

The problem in doing this is the reader has completely ignored the rest of the scripture surrounding it. They do not take into consideration that Leviticus 11: 9-12, also part of the Leviticus code, tells us that eating shellfish is also an abomination. When was the last time you saw a Christian protesting Red Lobster? The list goes on of things considered abominations in the Leviticus Code including cutting one's hair, wearing clothes made of two different types of fabric, sewing mixed seed in a field and so on. 

We also ignore the scriptures we do not like and excuse them away. Deuteronomy is very clear that fornicators, adulterers, and even disobedient children are to be put to death. (See Chapters 12, 17, 22). Yet if this were to happen, the christian church would be appalled. Even today, they condemn radical muslims who stone women who have committed adultery, but the same bible that they so quickly pick up to condemn the homosexual allows for this.

I am surprised  when  I am told that marriage in America should be the way God intended it in the bible. But then we forget what marriage WAS in the bible. Women were property like cattle. Men were allowed more than one wife. Solomon, the "wisest man" in the bible had 700 wives and 300 concubines, while David, a man "after God's own heart" had his lover's husband killed in battle so he could have her. So tell me again....what is God's plan for marriage? No where in the scriptures does God condemn polygamy.

The story of Sodom and Gomorrah found in Genesis 19 is also frequently used express the sinfulness of  homosexuality. In the story, the angels are sitting in Lots house while the crowd outside shouts for the angels to be sent out so they may "know" them. The Hebrew term used is "Yoda". According to the context, the crowd wanted them to come out so that they could gang rape the angels. Their purpose was to humiliate them, in the worst way possible. The city was destroyed, not because it was filled with homosexuals but because their hearts were filled with such cruelty.  Ezekiel 16: 49-50 clearly states the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah, and it had nothing to do with homosexuality:
 
 

"Behold, this was the inequity of your sister Sodom: pride, overabundance of food (in Hebrew this phrase literally means eating to the point of retching...), prosperous ease, and idleness were hers and her daughters; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. And they were haughty and committed abominable offenses before Me." 

I have frequently heard Christians say that Jesus ministry wiped out many of the laws of the Old Testament (except the one's they like to use against homosexuals). So they site New Testament verses instead. One of these is found in Romans 1 which talks about what is natural and unnatural.

"For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due." (Rom 1)

The term used for "natural" comes from two Greek words "phusikos" and "phusis". Together, these words describe someone's natural disposition...that which comes instinctive to them.  For instance, it would be "unnatural" for a heterosexual to have homosexual sex. That is exactly what what was happening at the time the book of Romans was written. Temple prostitution was a common thing among the pagan Roman religions of the time. It was part of worship. Often straight people would trade heterosexual sex for homosexual sex. This is confirmed in extra biblical writings. The Christians of the day wanted it to be made clear that their religion was different and this was one way. 

Ask almost any homosexual, and they will tell you they knew from the time they were very young that they were different and not attracted to the opposite sex. Heterosexuality is very "unnatural" for them. Why do you think so many who try to force themselves into the heterosexual "lifestyle" end up killing themselves? Because they hate feeling "unnatural" as a straight person.



The other scripture that refers to what is natural and is the same greek term is 1 Corinthians 11:14.  ^" Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, ¹⁵ but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory?" This refers to what is culturally acceptable, not what is moral. If one lets nature take its course, both man and woman would have long hair. And notice that few Christians follow this verse. 
 

Additional scripture often quoted as proof-text for the "sin" of homosexuality can be found in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 and 1 Timothy 1:9-10.

"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Cor 6:9-10)

Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine." (1 Tim 1:9-10)

Again, we must go back to the original language of the scripture. The terms in contention here are "arsenokoitais" and "malakos". In contemporary literature of the time of Paul and his writings, no where are these words found to refer to homosexuals. In fact "arsenokoitais" was used as a term referring to using sex for economic gain in any form particularly temple prostitution (homo-or-heterosexual). Leviticus uses the same term which is not translated as homosexual, but temple prostitute.  "Arsen"Malakos" was used in ancient times to refer to soft expensive clothing, rich food...ie....spoiled laziness. It is scholarly misinterpretation or perhaps laziness, that condemned homosexuals, not God himself! In addition, if "Arsen" and "koitais" are translated literally, it is "soft" "bed". Just like many English words, such as "understand" the literal interpretation is not the proper one. One must know the culture and much more before proper translating scripture.


The bible never once speaks of long term monogomous homosexual relationships negatively. It refers to acts such as gang rape, the use of gay sex in temple worship and as a humiliation to a man. It also refers to doing trading what is natural for that person for what is unnatural. And remember the term "natural" also refers to it being "unnatural" for men to have long hair.


When God created the world in the literal interpretation of the Bible, he stated that all he made was good. The only thing he mentioned that was not good was found in Genesis 2:18: The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone."


Yet this is what is expected of the homosexual. To be denied a long term monogamous married relationship. Imagine the same required of you. Never to be allowed to fall in love, to start a family, whether adopted or conceived. It is a miserable existence to require of anyone. The argument is often stated, "You are not forced to be alone, you can marry the opposite sex." If I told you that you must fall in love with the same sex, could you do it just because I told you to? No. Yet that is what is being required of homosexuals if they are to be accepted by the conservative Christian Church. 

 

So I'll ask the question Christians so often ask. WWJD? What would Jesus do? Well, think about what he did...did he once preach against homosexuality? No he did not. He had 3 years of active ministry. Most of it he spent with the outcast. His biggest pet peeve was people like that Pharisees who knew the law perfectly, but had no clue how to show the true love of God. He tried to get people to think outside of the box. If homosexuality was the abomination today's Christian church has determined it to be, do you not think that he would have mentioned it at least once? But he didn't. Instead he preached about the importance of humility and of never showing religious arrogance. He told us that the most unexpected people would inherit the kingdom. He championed for the poor, the sick, the homeless, the outcast.

So to the fundamentalist church today....What would Jesus Do?.....the opposite of what you are doing now.

Majority Will VS God's Will...A NEW Perspective

 

Don't confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.

 

Many of the great people of history were rebels. They refused to go with the flow.  They didn't follow the crowd....the crowd followed them. Jesus was one of those people. He listened to what the spiritual teachers of that day had to say, and then he made up his own mind about it. 

In John 8, the church people tried to trap Jesus by bringing a woman caught in adultery to Jesus. (Notice they didn't bring the man). According to the religious law of the time, the woman was to be stoned to death for her actions. So they asked Jesus, "Hey Jesus, the law says we should stone her. What do you think?" He paused a while and replied, "Ok, the person who has never sinned gets to throw the first stone." And everyone dropped their stones and went away. So Jesus wasn't afraid of free thinking. 

The God of the Old Testament was a jerk. He was a vengeful, mean, and angry God, who spent his time smiting people who pissed him off, and enjoying the sacrifice of millions of animals which was the requirement for forgiveness of sin at the time. He helped the Hebrews come up with hundreds of laws including stoning kids for talking back to their parents, not eating certain types of food, not wearing clothes made out of two types of  materials, stoning homosexuals, fornicators, and adulterers. Considering woman property was just fine and owning slaves was normal. It was even okay to beat them if they got out of line. The "apple of God's eye", King David, had his mistresses husband killed in battle so he could screw his wife and the "wisest man in the bible" had hundreds of wives and concubines. 

It took the man Jesus being willing to think outside the box to change all that. That's what it has always taken...people willing to stand up and stop following the crowd. Rosa Parks, who refused to go to the back of the bus, Gandhi, who was tired of the way his people were treated,  Martin Luther King, Jr, who was not afraid to have a dream. 

As Jesus showed the Hebrews, just because something is the "norm" or the law, does not make it right. Just because "that's the way its always been" does not mean that's the way it should always be. If so, woman would still be treated as property, slavery would still be legal, kids could be stoned for disrespecting their parents. There comes a time when things must change and it takes strong people willing to stand up and make it happen. 

Although things are quickly changing, a majority of America has been against homosexuality and gay marriage. Their arguments center around God's "holy word" (most of which Jesus went out of his way to change) and the point of tradition (that's the way its always been). 

Which brings me back to the quote above..."don't confuse the will of the majority with the will of God". Sometimes the majority is simply not right. 

I have always been taught that "christian" means "christ-like",  yet what I have experienced in my world is "christian" means someone too afraid to think for themselves. They are told how to live, told what to think. They are afraid to think outside the box for fear of God.  There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but I do not associate that term with the Rebel Jesus, who was willing to think so radically in the name of love, it got him killed. They focus so much on the cross and his death, they forget his short life, which most often found him hanging out with the misfits of society. 

I am convinced that if Jesus were here today, he would be hanging out with my people. He would be standing up for us, walking with us at gay pride, and spend his time comforting those of us driven to depression and suicide by the people who claim to represent him. I can see him now walking in churches pissed off, (much like he did when he got angry at the money changers in the temple), saying "What are you people doing?! How can you hurt others in my name?"

It is because of Jesus' inspiration that I am not afraid to think for myself....to ask questions...to think outside the box. And when I am trying to figure out the right thing, I've started listening to my heart and to my soul. The truth is, the world confuses me. God doesn't. My spirit is clear. And yes, maybe sometimes I go against the flow, but shouldn't I be more concerned about doing the right thing instead of the popular thing? 

 

National Coming Out Day: I am Your Creation and I am PROUD

I have never been able to really celebrate National Coming Out Day before. Although I have been out for many years, my partner was not, so it was a bittersweet day for me. This year, however, is another story. I am so excited for this day. She is gone, and I am ME. And I am out and proud. 

Straight people ask you why is it so damn important to have "gay pride".  They say,"We don't have heterosexual pride."  With all due respect to straight people, yes you do. Its called Marriage. Its what you get to do everyday and what you often take for granted. Its that thing that you throw away 50 percent of the time like it means nothing to you. Its the well over one thousand rights that you don't even think about having, and we wish to God we had. So yes, every day is "straight day". Everyday when we turn on the television, there are heterosexual couples in love or lust. Public displays of affection everywhere we look. So yes, most days are your days.

So we have our days. We have "pride" days, and National Coming Out Day. When people put you down all your life and treat you as an outcast, the only positive move you can make is to take that which they deem an abomination and declare your independence from their judgment. That is what we as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people have done. We have declared ourselves proud to be who we are. 

The recent news stories of the suicides of so many gay young people brings to light the importance of this day of coming out. As long as we hide in the closet, the straight population can paint the pictures of us as a horrible people with an agenda of corrupting all of society. When we are out, they find out that our "agenda" is the same as everyone else. We want our family to be safe, we want to go to work in peace, we want to take the dog out for a walk and feel safe. 

National Coming Out Day is about putting a face to the word "gay". As long as we are seen as a large crazy rainbow mob, we will be discriminated against. But let them look at us as individuals and hear our stories, and their hearts can be changed. 

So on this day, I will show my face. I will say my name. I will hold my head high. And as Bette from The Word said when asked what she would say to God on Judgment Day:

I am your Creation, and I am proud.

The Difference 24 Hours Can Make

I have always shared my struggles here on Whisper Creek in an effort to show that what seems impossible is possible..To prove that we can survive what we don't believe we can.  We recently held a vigil for those who had taken their lives as a result of homophobic bullying. Just a few nights ago, I was offering hope.

Twenty-four hours ago, I didn't think I would be here. One of the reasons I reach out so hard to save those considering suicide, is because I so often find myself in the same position. If I can't save myself, perhaps I can save others, I think. In the past month, I have had 2 serious struggles with it. Several weeks ago, I called my parents to get my gun out of my house because I knew I was too close. 

Last night was different. I was so very tired. The fight had finally gone out of me. I have been in this dark place for several weeks. It has been emotionally and physically debilitating as you will read below. I got on web cam with my friend and writing partner. Neither one of us has had an easy life. We have pulled each other out of some deep places before. 

I asked her, screaming and crying, "Why is it never easy? Why do we always have to fu*king struggle?. There is never a time out, never an intermission, never a break. It just always a fu*king fight. I am so damn tired. I want it to stop."   

I could find no positivity. I could only see more pain. I couldn't even say "God help me". It frightens me when I cannot pray. And I was scared. 

My friend stayed with me until I was so tired, she was assured that I would do nothing but fall asleep. When I got up, still in my darkness, I wrote what you will see below. It was so negative, I couldn't put it up on a blog. It would hurt my those who love me too much. I am well aware the impact my battles have on my family and it only tortures me more during these times. So I emailed it to my friend again with a message...please help me.

When u lay in bed willing for you heart to stop beating

its bad

When u r alive only because your body involuntarily breathes

its bad

When love isn't enough anymore

its bad

When guilt is why u still exist

its bad

When u try not to adopt anymore animals so that when they are gone u can follow

its bad

When u can count what u've eaten in days on one hand

its bad

When ur tummy is hollow and u know that filling it is only worse

its bad

When u know ur last meal was weeks ago

its bad

When ur even too tired to cut urself for relief

its bad

When being awake and asleep both feel like nightmares

its bad

ITS JUST BAD AND I DON'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE.

In minutes, my friend was back on web cam, and I was back to crying. I didn't even have words to talk to her. But she had words for me. She found a way to make me laugh a little. She threatened to kill herself if I did just so she could follow me into the great beyond and kick my ass for being so stupid. She told me how we could be a team...Team Fu*k Up...and make tshirts and banners. She reminded me of the beauty of Whisper Creek and helped me dream about all the good we could accomplish. She reminded me that I had someone who loved me who would be here very soon.

She asked me to BELIEVE and have FAITH for just a few more hours that I could make it. And I did. It wasn't easy by any means. We explored the inpatient treatment option given to me by the doctor, but it frightened me so much. So we found more options, and my soul calmed.  We started replacing all the negative thoughts I had listed with positive ones. We did it until we good say..."Its good." Then the weight didn't seem quiet so heavy as before. And I started to HOPE again. I looked forward to the day my girl would be home. I looked forward to the possibilities of Whisper Creek.

Each time I have glimpsed at death and imagined its possible peace and absolute finality...I edge a little bit closer. I think perhaps it is this moment that is destined to be my final one, but something happens and I make it. 

What a difference a friend makes. What a difference believing and having faith can make.

What a difference 24 hours can make.

Faith, Hope, & Love

I, like many in the GLTB community, was terribly affected by the large amount of recent suicides among our gay youth. It is so much a part of us. Although we are only about 10 percent of the population, our suicide rates are at nearly 30 percent. 

This week since one death report after another came flooding in, I was so incredibly heavy-hearted. Although I can be rough on the outside, I am tenderhearted inside, but this went beyond that, and I couldn't understand why. I felt like I HAD to do SOMETHING...anything. 

The only thing I have is my blog and my small fan page on Facebook. With help from my friends, we created a "Moment of Silence for those who are now Silent". It was to be a memorial for those who have died as a result of the oppression, rejection, and hate that gay people must deal with. It was also to reach out to let those in that place of suicide contemplation know that they are loved by someone, no matter what they hear from the rest of the world. We love them. 

I spend much of my time on Facebook trying to do this. I am just a lesbian with a dream. I want to be able to reach out and say "You ARE worth the air you breathe. Please don't doubt your worth to the world. Please don't give up." I want to be louder than a prejudice society, homophobic churches, and hateful bullies. I have found out that just by reaching out to a gay young person and offering to be a big sister to them, can make a difference. Just that simple little thing. An email, a text message, anything can give them hope to hold on just a little longer. 

The people who knew me growing up and during my time as a pastors wife have often been upset with my changing religious views. They worried I was going away from God instead of to him. I refuse to call myself a Christian because it holds such a negative meaning anymore. I do it to honor God, not to blaspheme God.

I understand that the reaction of most gays and lesbians to the term Christian is to automatically mistrust and put up (often necessary) defenses. The reason I know this so intimately, is I do it myself. I've learned it over the years after being told what an abomination I am, how my mere presence hinders the spirit of God, and on and on.We see very few examples of love from the Christian Church. You say "God is love" then show such hatred and prejudice. 

How would you take it being called an abomination? How would you enjoy being told all the time that you are going to hell because of who you are? You tell us we choose to be gay and lesbian, yet we know our hearts. Do you think we do it just to be rebels? Do you think we that we enjoy having to look over our shoulders all the time because we know the chance of being bullied and beaten is a very real threat? Do you think we enjoy being stared at and kicked out of bathrooms because we don't look like you expect? That we liked being kicked out of our homes because of our "lifestyle" which is really just a life? Is that a life you would chose? 

I say that not to say that we do not find happiness, but to try to get you to see, that your idea of "godly love" is in no way coming across as love at all. It is coming across as arrogance. And then you wonder why in the world we would walk away from traditional christianity? Why in the world would we stay?

I am infuriated to hear Christians say they will not befriend someone because they are of a different faith. Someone I know recently told me that they refused to friend an individual who was wiccan, then proceeded to tell me how horrible that person must be and how, I, myself was dishonoring the faith of my fathers. Did that person once give a damn that this gay individual could be hurting and needed someone, anyone, to love them? And then you wonder why we don't want to come to your church?  

I am in a unique situation spiritually. I can frustrate and relate to both Christian and Atheist. I have come from the Conservative Christian Tradition and know it well. I have also been pushed away from this same tradition by my experiences, that I completely understand those who do not believe in a god. I have no judgment for them whatsoever. In fact, I have found the ones I have met to be wonderful people who do good without the need to be threatened by God's judgment .

If I attach the term Christian to myself, I immediately lose the trust of many in the GLTB community and I am not being true to my own beliefs which stretch far beyond Christianity. So tell me....what would Jesus do? WWJD? Would he walk passed these broken souls concerned if he will get to church on time? Would he judge them or would he stop everything he was doing and hold them and tell them how much they are loved. He would wipe the tears away, not beat them with bible verses. 

I am so tired of the suicides. I am so tired of the murders. I am so tired of it self-hate being such a normal part of the GLTB community. I am so tired of my transgender sisters and brothers being beaten and then being told it was their fault because of who they are.

And so I speak out. I live genuinely. I refuse to hide. And I try my best to reach out with love to not only to the GLTB community, but to the Christian community as well. I try to say to them "Please consider the hurt you are causing. Please realize that you are not representing God in a positive light. Please stop for just a moment."

And I thought that was what the Moment of Silence was all about. I thought it was my motivation. Then I clicked back to check on the event. There it was. Someone paying respect to my lesbian cousin who took her own life because she felt unaccepted. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only did it bring back her death which was from a self inflicted shotgun wound, but it took me to where she was that day in her mind. Where I too have been. That moment of decision. How much more pain can I bear? How much more rejection can I take? And I see the pain in her eyes as it has been in my own eyes, and I hear the gun go off. 

She is gone and I am alive. 

And the thing that made it more significant, was the respect was being paid by a dear friend of mine who has struggled with the issue of my homosexuality. She wants to love me, but she wants to save me. She struggles between doing what her church says to do, and what her heart says. And she went with her heart. I know she was telling me in doing this "J, I love you". And that meant more to me than words can say. Someone finally really heard me. A CHRISTIAN finally heard me. And I am stunned. 

That says so much to me about my friend. Someone with a real heart for God can see beyond doctrine to the person, and she did it. She really really did it. 

And I hope I played some part in that. I know I struggle in my approach to Christians. I try so hard to be respectful, because it is the only way to bridge a gap. Yet I get so angry in times like these when one of my rainbow family hurts so much that they give up as my cousin did.

But my friend gives me hope and I thank her so very much. It tells me that I am not reaching for an impossible goal. And right now....that's all I need to know.

In the Arms of the Angels and Safe from the Church

REST IN PEACE LITTLE ONES

Asher Brown

Seth Walsh

Tyler Clementi

My dog woke me up this morning as dawn was breaking to go potty. As we walked outside, I looked up to the heavens. In the east, the light was just beginning to touch East Tennessee, but I could still see stars. As I looked at their splendor, the only thing I could think about was that each one of those stars represented a life no longer on this earth.

The gay community has been devastated in recent weeks by the deaths of 4 young ones because of anti-gay bullying. I know there are some in the straight world who grieve too, but for the most part I wonder if the heterosexuals of America care all that much. I'm sure Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church rejoice, glad that one more fag is removed from this life. 

Even Rapper 50 cent encouraged men this week who aren't "into women" to "kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place," he said. This black man, who should well know the effects of hate and prejudice and honor the suffering of his ancestors by treating people with love, instead joins the crowd and hands out the hanging ropes. 

I just don't get it. What makes any part of this okay? 

When is it okay to declare our gay loving relationships equal to that of sex between a man & animal or a man & a female corpse as the Family Research Council did: 

"Following the logic of the appellants and their supporters, man/animal marriage and man/deceased woman marriage must be permitted under Rhode Island law simply because the General Assembly has not expressly prohibited it." -Quoted from AmericaBlog 8/20/07

When is it okay to take the time set aside to worship God on Sunday morning, for political purposes? Here recently in Tennessee, 7 pastors decided to bait the IRS by declaring political positions from the pulpit. Tell me, how did that help anyone? Did it feed the hungry? Help the sick? Find homes for the homeless? Help ANYONE feel loved except themselves? Did it feel good to fight the government in the name of Jesus?

That is not the purpose of faith. It is to reach out and give people hope and love. While you stand on your soapbox, your head is so high in the clouds, you can't see the hurting below. While you build your mega churches, people die. While you declare that you serve the one true God, another young one takes his or her life. Is that REALLY okay with you? Does your heart feel good? 

You are so consumed in your religious arrogance, belief that you are spreading the Bible message and confidence that only YOU hold the keys to the kingdom that you have forgotten who Jesus was and corrupted his message. In the three years of his recorded ministry not ONCE did he say a negative thing about homosexuals. In contrast, he had a whole lot to say about religious arrogance and hypocrisy. Yet somehow, the religious right church has declared people who only want to love and be loved as the greatest sinners. 

Your religion, your faith, has become one of politics. I'm surprised you don't simply record conservative talk radio and play it from the pulpit. I have a feeling some of you would if you could. And in the meantime, another life is lost. A precious child of the Divine, gone too early, because they felt hated and unloved. Does that sit well with you?

I realize that these words and the words of many others who have declared their frustration and anger, hurts the church. I realize it will anger some. Most of all I hope it will make it clear that the outside world sees few examples that your God is love. The true "Christ like" Christians will take this with the love it is intended and turn the church around. The guilty ones will get angry. 

However, none of that is important. LIVES are important. Saving those lives is important. Making them feel loved and accepted is important. Stopping the bullying and the hate is paramount. 

May God's angels carry the spirits of these young ones who are gone beyond the stars and into the peace they so richly deserve. 

Join us Sunday, Oct 3 2010 for a "Moment of Silence for those now Silent " on Facebook

Fighting the Flow to Find Peace...A coming out story and more

Image by Kevin McNeil

It is a shame that in order to find peace within ourselves and peace with our God, that we must ultimately fight against the human powers that be. We must go against the flow. 

Man determines my eligibility for heaven based upon beliefs. Have I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior? Do I believe that he was the actual Son of God? Do I believe that he was raised from the dead? 

Then I am supposed to prove it by following a set of rules...no swearing, no coveting, no taking the Lord's name in vain, no drinking, no sex outside of marriage (which is wonderful since I am also not allowed marriage). And God forbid I be gay and proud. 

Dropping the "F" bomb with any regularity is a sure sign that I am not bound for Glory, and heaven help me if I accept that I am human. But as long as I go to church on Sunday morning and night, say my prayers before I eat, read the Bible with regularity, spread the gospel, and pass judgment on the aforementioned folks...I am good. 

I'm sorry....but that's F*ck*d up. Yes I did say it. 

Coming out of the closet was the best and most difficult thing I ever did. It meant going against everything I was ever taught having grown up in the conservative christian church. It was a do or die moment. I didn't suddenly one day decide that I wanted to bed every girl I met. Contrary to popular opinion, being gay wasn't a sexual decision anymore than being straight was for everyone else. It wasn't about who I wanted to sleep with, it was about the essence of who I am. I was not the preachers wife in the dress who served as a help mate to her husband. It did not matter how much I love him (which was a lot), I  hated me. That is probably what angered me the most. Many of the people around me would rather I lived a life of self-hate and misery and remain in the "will of God" than to live as the person I was intended to be. 

Like most gay folks, I have been told that I am a disappointment to Jesus, that my mere presence in the church blocks the Holy Spirit from moving like he should. People I thought were friends, were friends to the Jamie they approved of,  not to me. They had to "shield themselves with the breastplate of righteousness" lest I cause the gay demons of hell to pounce on them. They had to protect their children from the scary lesbian (Boo!). Even now, people "de-friend" me from Facebook lest I corrupt their computer with too much gay pride and rainbows. 

As a butch lesbian (according to Wikipedia Butch tends to denote masculinity displayed by a female beyond what would be considered typical of a tomboy), it is difficult to hide. Like my effeminate brothers, we are simply very obvious in our actions and movements. Even the weakest gay-dar can pick us out. 

So years ago, I simply stopped hiding and embraced it. And even within my own gay community, I was told "why do you have to be so out?". I am simply being me. 

The more I am me, the more peace I have within myself and the more in line with God's intended purpose for me. I am determined that if by being out as a result of simply being myself blazes a trail for the young gay person who has yet to walk that road, then that is a good thing. There are those who came before me who walked that road with much more persecution than I will ever face, and I believe, for me, I should continue that tradition. It is a ministry of love. 

Image by Richard Dumoulin

I tend to want to wrap my wings around other gays and lesbians and help shield them from the judgment to give themselves time to find themselves in the arms of a loving and accepting God. That is why we have learned to recognize each other over the years in small and subtle ways, so that we can provide support for one another in a world which forces us to fight for our dignity. 

I don't know why I do it. It seems that in my nature I want to serve as a lighthouse for people to say, "There's safety and rest, love and acceptance, in this harbor. Come rest for a while". I think that's why I created Whisper Creek. It is not only for the GLBT community, but for all who need some quiet to find peace in themselves and their God. 

People assume that since I so openly show my scars, even my current cuts, that I do not have this peace. However, it is much easier to have peace with your Creator, than to have peace with yourself. God forgives me much easier than I forgive myself. God find it much easier to love me than I do to love myself. If there is one place that I can go, it is into the hands of a loving God. I have no doubts in the future of my soul, my doubts are in the current state of my heart. My soul, my spirit, lives on a much higher plane than my heart does, for my heart must battle with life here. My soul is eternal and of God, my heart is of this earth and human. 

I try to paint a picture of genuineness in all that I do. In that genuineness, in that honesty, there is hope because there is contrast of light and darkness. I am more than aware that people will find that terrible and offensive at times, but I am also aware that we all share this battle inside of us. If admitting it in vivid detail serves to connect, to inspire, than I will continue to paint...to write. God will make my imperfections, perfect. He will frame my canvas and shine light down upon it for a higher purpose. And I will be okay with that.

TO: "Lord Save us from your Followers" I say "AMEN"

Recently, I had the opportunity to view the documentary "Lord Save Us from your Followers". It was created and produced by an evangelical christian. He wanted the christian community to be able to see themselves from the secular point of view. 

One of the most fascinating moments was when he conducted an experiment in the form of a game show similar to Family Feud. On one side was a group of evangelical/conservative Christians, and on the other a group of non-Christians/secularists. In order to win, each group must be able to think like the other group. What he found out with four separate families/groups, was that the secular group could think like a Christian, but the Christians could not think like a secularist. In other words, the Christians had little ability to move outside their own world and glimpse into the perspectives of people of other faiths or no faith at all. 

That explains a lot. I ask myself all the time how any Christian could intentionally hurt another and claim that they are in the right based upon their bible. My perspective of that is from the point of view of a homosexual who has been driven to attempt suicide by the condemnation of the church. Unfortunately, this is an all too common perspective. I like to tell myself that if Christians knew how many homosexuals they had driven to take their own lives by trying to "save" them, they would change their ways and repent. However, I'm not holding my breath. Until they can relearn the ability of empathy instead of right-fighting, it will never stop. 

Another noticeable lesson from the documentary is that America see's God in a much more favorable light than they see his followers. Thanks to the radical right and many evangelical Christians, the church is often considered a place of judgment and condemnation, of hate and snobbishness. The word "God" on the other hand, brings to mind words like "love".  

I find this terribly sad. It is in fact, one of the reasons if I am asked if I am a Christian, I will answer "no". I know that if my instinct, having grown up in the church and have spent 8 years as a pastor's wife, automatically have nothing but negative thoughts when the word is mentioned, than how much more so those who have not seen any of the good things of God? "Christian" has become a dirty word, and "church" a scary place. I avoid any business that claims to be "Christian" oriented because I have learned to expect just the opposite of  "Christ-like". 

The good thing is, this trend is starting to change. This documentary is proof of that. There are Christians who are capable of thinking outside the box, of showing empathy. The traditional church continues to fight this change, however, progressive churches are pressing forward. I even see it happening here in the Bible Belt, which surprises me the most.

It is terribly difficult for me not to scream to the religious right  "STOP scaring people away from God!!"

I suppose it is one of my greatest frustrations. It defies common sense to try to bring people to a God who hates them for who they are, yet that is the message that prevails. 

But it is people like the gentleman who made this documentary and the progressive Christians who show that one must live the love of God, that will change this message. I look forward to that day and I hope to be a part of it.

Finding my Own Path

I grew up in the Free Will Baptist Faith and spent 8 years as the wife of a Southern Baptist minister. All my life, I have been instructed as to what I should believe. 

At nearly 40 years old, I have come to believe that if I am to have a relationship with God, I must leave organized religion behind. The problem with it is that is is full of doctrines, rituals, rules and regulations that insist that my personal relationship with God must be the same as your relationship. It asserts what gender my god must be. It assumes to know all there is to know about him in 66 books or less. It leaves no room for the imagination or any room to grow. 

Its like marrying someone who I know absolutely everything about. It is boring. There is nothing new to discover. And to make matters worse, I am limited on how I am allowed to even discover anything.I am discouraged from looking outside the box for fear that I will be possessed by demons from another evil religion. I can only think for myself as long as it agrees with the teachings of the group. 

I have been told all my life that there is only one way to God and all of those who believe differently are doomed. Yet I find those "doomed" people act more "God-like" than the ones who declare themselves "saved". Here in the bible belt, I find more complaining about life and less joy than anywhere I have traveled. Yet, these are supposed to be the people who know that "the joy of the Lord is their strength". It is, indeed, a strange paradox. 

It took me nearly a decade of being away from the church to shake off the doctrines, rituals, rules and regulations, and be reborn as a spiritual person. Not a christian. Not a baptist. An individual with a spirit that longs to commune with God.

And I must find my own way. My own path. My own way of communicating. How that happens is up to myself and my creator. And that is part of the joy of living. Getting to know one another. Growing closer. 

And living happily ever after.