Fighting the Flow to Find Peace...A coming out story and more

Image by Kevin McNeil

It is a shame that in order to find peace within ourselves and peace with our God, that we must ultimately fight against the human powers that be. We must go against the flow. 

Man determines my eligibility for heaven based upon beliefs. Have I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior? Do I believe that he was the actual Son of God? Do I believe that he was raised from the dead? 

Then I am supposed to prove it by following a set of rules...no swearing, no coveting, no taking the Lord's name in vain, no drinking, no sex outside of marriage (which is wonderful since I am also not allowed marriage). And God forbid I be gay and proud. 

Dropping the "F" bomb with any regularity is a sure sign that I am not bound for Glory, and heaven help me if I accept that I am human. But as long as I go to church on Sunday morning and night, say my prayers before I eat, read the Bible with regularity, spread the gospel, and pass judgment on the aforementioned folks...I am good. 

I'm sorry....but that's F*ck*d up. Yes I did say it. 

Coming out of the closet was the best and most difficult thing I ever did. It meant going against everything I was ever taught having grown up in the conservative christian church. It was a do or die moment. I didn't suddenly one day decide that I wanted to bed every girl I met. Contrary to popular opinion, being gay wasn't a sexual decision anymore than being straight was for everyone else. It wasn't about who I wanted to sleep with, it was about the essence of who I am. I was not the preachers wife in the dress who served as a help mate to her husband. It did not matter how much I love him (which was a lot), I  hated me. That is probably what angered me the most. Many of the people around me would rather I lived a life of self-hate and misery and remain in the "will of God" than to live as the person I was intended to be. 

Like most gay folks, I have been told that I am a disappointment to Jesus, that my mere presence in the church blocks the Holy Spirit from moving like he should. People I thought were friends, were friends to the Jamie they approved of,  not to me. They had to "shield themselves with the breastplate of righteousness" lest I cause the gay demons of hell to pounce on them. They had to protect their children from the scary lesbian (Boo!). Even now, people "de-friend" me from Facebook lest I corrupt their computer with too much gay pride and rainbows. 

As a butch lesbian (according to Wikipedia Butch tends to denote masculinity displayed by a female beyond what would be considered typical of a tomboy), it is difficult to hide. Like my effeminate brothers, we are simply very obvious in our actions and movements. Even the weakest gay-dar can pick us out. 

So years ago, I simply stopped hiding and embraced it. And even within my own gay community, I was told "why do you have to be so out?". I am simply being me. 

The more I am me, the more peace I have within myself and the more in line with God's intended purpose for me. I am determined that if by being out as a result of simply being myself blazes a trail for the young gay person who has yet to walk that road, then that is a good thing. There are those who came before me who walked that road with much more persecution than I will ever face, and I believe, for me, I should continue that tradition. It is a ministry of love. 

Image by Richard Dumoulin

I tend to want to wrap my wings around other gays and lesbians and help shield them from the judgment to give themselves time to find themselves in the arms of a loving and accepting God. That is why we have learned to recognize each other over the years in small and subtle ways, so that we can provide support for one another in a world which forces us to fight for our dignity. 

I don't know why I do it. It seems that in my nature I want to serve as a lighthouse for people to say, "There's safety and rest, love and acceptance, in this harbor. Come rest for a while". I think that's why I created Whisper Creek. It is not only for the GLBT community, but for all who need some quiet to find peace in themselves and their God. 

People assume that since I so openly show my scars, even my current cuts, that I do not have this peace. However, it is much easier to have peace with your Creator, than to have peace with yourself. God forgives me much easier than I forgive myself. God find it much easier to love me than I do to love myself. If there is one place that I can go, it is into the hands of a loving God. I have no doubts in the future of my soul, my doubts are in the current state of my heart. My soul, my spirit, lives on a much higher plane than my heart does, for my heart must battle with life here. My soul is eternal and of God, my heart is of this earth and human. 

I try to paint a picture of genuineness in all that I do. In that genuineness, in that honesty, there is hope because there is contrast of light and darkness. I am more than aware that people will find that terrible and offensive at times, but I am also aware that we all share this battle inside of us. If admitting it in vivid detail serves to connect, to inspire, than I will continue to paint...to write. God will make my imperfections, perfect. He will frame my canvas and shine light down upon it for a higher purpose. And I will be okay with that.