WTF Lord?

My prayer altar

I've said a lot of prayers in my life. I like to write prayers as well. Usually, they are beautiful poetic prayers akin to the psalms. However, I must say that the most honest prayer I ever prayed was a screaming prayer. It was a raw, ugly prayer full of anger, tears, and blood. It was when I was so very close to taking my own life and trying to hang on for all that was in me. It was filled with cursing, filled with pain. 

And God listened. I wasn't struck down by lightening, I didn't fall over dead. I wasn't punished. If anything, I felt more loved and accepted than ever before. It was like God was saying, "Finally, you were just honest with me!"

I think we worry too much about approaching God like some great king whom we must bow before and be afraid of instead of as our Divine Father and Mother who loves us and just wants to love us and get to know us. 

We must realize that God knows exactly what we think in our minds and feel in our hearts, so we might as well be honest about it. I am only human and have human thoughts. It took me a long time for that to be okay to me. To finally admitting that to God, took another step.

Getting down in that deep dark hole so far that I couldn't see any light at all did it for me. I just said everything I felt no matter how bad.  I said "What the fu*k, Lord! When the h*ll will I finally feel some fu*king peace!? How much longer will I feel nothing but this d*mn fear, God? How long?"

I'm sure people will think that I am a horrible human being for doing that. They will judge me and say how dare I disrespect the Lord in that way. However, for me now, I realize that disrespect is not being 100 percent honest with my God. 

I felt like that night, I finally got it. God really does accept me just as I am. I don't have to pretend to be anyone but myself. He didn't push me away or demand better of me. He and Mother held me, loved me, comforted me. And now, my heart is more open to both God, my Father, and my holy Mother Earth.

And it is good.