Spiritually sometimes, I think I'm one big question mark. Although I believe, that it is essentially well with my soul, I am a wanderer....a questioner.....a seeker. I am never satisfied and find it hard to simply believe without question. Growing up, you didn't question, you accepted. God said it, that settles it, right? How many times have I heard or said "How much clearer could it be???? Its in the Bible.....duh."
It took me quite a while to realize that I can be a person of faith and a person of thought. If God is threatened by my brain, God is a mighty small God indeed. Now that I ask, I have a million questions. I am afraid to simply accept by faith because I realize now, I may have learned a bunch of BS as a kid and I accepted it because I was afraid not to. Now I need to KNOW its true without fear.
My auntie always tells me to remember my favorite hymn "Farther Along". The song goes...."Farther along, we'll know all about it. Farther along, we'll understand why. Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine. We'll understand it all by and by." I wish I could be a relaxed person of faith, Auntie.
FARTHER ALONG
I think there have been times when I have been able to accept that I will not know RIGHT NOW why things happen but not often. When I found out I had cancer, I didn't really get angry about it. It was a scary bump in the road, and my faith carried me well. There was no "why me Lord?" It was "well, shit happens." Handling the surgery wasn't too bad. Dealing with the after effects was without a doubt, one of the biggest challenges of my life.
It was so difficult, I don't allow myself to remember much of it, but I can go back and read what I wrote during that time. When I do that, I think two things....1) "Holy hell, how am I still alive??? and 2) "Thank GOD, I am still alive". I immediately accept that God helped me through it. So I KNOW my faith is there. Its simply very imperfect faith.
You know, maybe God doesn't mind. Maybe s/he is as much a teacher as a cuddler. But, boy, would it be nice to sit comfortably and safely in the lap of God and listen to the answers.
No comments:
Post a Comment