Predator and Prey

You are walking through a forest with your family. You have been told that a hungry predator is on the loose. You have gathered your children close. Suddenly you hear something. It sounds big. Its coming closer...and closer. You are terrified. Should you run? Hide? Fight? You tense, waiting, watching. Scared. So very scared. They are the predator...you are the prey.

Its the typical fight or flight syndrome. A biological response to a threat. Its something shared with the animals. Adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol are released which gives us what we need to fight for our lives or run away. Our breathing increases, blood is directed away from our core and to our legs and arms, our pupils dilate and our awareness increases. It is a ingrained response to threats that keeps us alive. It is intended to give us a burst of speed and strength. 

It is also the place a person with panic disorder stays much too long. It is exhausting and damaging. Long term effects include damage to the hippocampus in the brain inhibiting your ability to remember and concentrate. Its embarrassing. 

I cannot think. I cannot remember. I am so unaware of things around me. I joke about it and let people think I just don't care and so I don't pay attention. At work, I pretend I don't care about details because I am embarrassed I can't remember stuff that should be so easy. I tell people its just the blond in me or it must have been a result of all those years of drug use (which didn't happen). I feel like an idiot. I graduated in the top 20 percent of my class, yet now, I can't recall something I read or heard 20 minutes ago. Some people think I'm lazy. I need to nap, not because I don't want to work or play....I'm just so very tired. My body and brain have been fighting an internal war while you see me simply standing there. Maybe you don't see the predator, maybe you don't see the threat, but I feel it all the time. 

I don't know how it works for other people with social agoraphobia with panic disorder, I only know what its like for me. There are periods in my life when I function well. There are times when I cannot function at all. There are times in between. In the worst times, I was on public assistance and couldn't leave my home at all. It was humbling and humiliating. In the best times, I went, for the most part, where I wanted without fear. In fact, I almost forgot what it was like to be afraid. It was wonderful. Of the (nearly) 40 years of my life, perhaps ten have been that easy.

Recently, I have been functioning and going to work by making a deal with myself. Go to work, make some money, do a good job, and you can come home and crash. Not just crash on the couch and watch television, but emotionally lose it, feel the fear that I denied all day if necessary. In my mind I see myself sitting in a corner, my knees pulled close, my head on my knees, my arms covering my head.  I get up from that corner, put on my uniform, grab my barista apron, and go to work.

The constant search for safety is exhausting. I just want to feel safe and okay. I want to be able to think clearly again. I want to pay attention and enjoy my life. I don't want to spend my life in that corner. I want to explore, to learn, to be. I just don't know how. But I'll keep trying.