Chronicles of the Insane

Originally written Sept 2010

I am determined that I will chronicle every moment I can of this craziness going on inside of me. I don't know if it is caused by the sudden onset menopause after my surgery, or if there is another explanation. I am just sure it is worse than the struggles I have had before.  I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of my own thoughts. In my logical mind I tell myself, it is the hormones going nuts, not myself. It is too coincidental to be happening months following the surgery. However, there is always doubt in your head that it is just you...something terribly wrong with you.

I want to be able to come back to what I have written during this time, and be able to see what I have overcome. I do not post these things for pity or to hurt anyone. I post them so that I and others will see the victory that can be theirs just by hanging on. I am very aware that this is so very raw and I apologize. It is real. In my mind it is so very real. I know that there are others who have been there, and thought that and I want you to know you are not alone. 

In my drugged stupor last night after having taken Trazadone as prescribed by my physician, I began to write what you will read below. The photo you see is the actual thing. I lay in bed, too drugged to get up, but the words kept coming and I kept writing. I cannot sleep until all the thoughts have been emptied onto paper on onto the screen. I did not create a happy ending to this poem, although I usually do. It stops quiet abruptly as I feel asleep without a solution.  

What I say can be frightening to those who love me, including myself, but again, I am still here, I am still fighting. I will remain. I will be okay. 

Chronicle of the Insane

This is a chronicle of going insane

this is a story of an exploding brain

you reach the point to where you fall

and hope you explode into nothing at all.

Tie me down, lock me away

cause I'm afraid to see another day

I'm afraid for the sun to rise

to look up and see the clear blue skies.

Cause it will mean that I'm not dead

just existing, sick in the head

and one tiny second will seem like several days

while I am stuck in this cold dark haze.

Its like having one of those fuc*ing dreams

where you try with all your might to fuc*ing scream

and though you stand in the middle of a crowd

and you breathe in deep and you scream so loud.

But no one hears a fuc*ing sound

and you feel that to hell your soul is bound

and the thoughts don't stop, the voices don't cease

and you will never have one moment of feelin' peace.

And you wake up in a cold hot sweat

thinking how much worse can this fuc*ing get

and it does cause now you are fully awake

and you wonder how much more you can really take.

....of a better day.