Growing up, one of my coolest toys was a Tupperwear Shape Sorter Ball. The ball had round, square, triangle and star-shaped holes that you would put the corresponding block in. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't fit a square block in a round hole. I can still recall the feel of the blocks in my hand and the excitement of getting them all in knowing I could dump them all out and try again.
Our spirits and personalities are all like this little toy with their unique traits. My spirit can't live your life and you can't live mine. We each have to find out where we fit and that's not always easy. I think I'm still trying to figure it out. But rest assured, you can never be happy living life for someone else or trying to live up to another person's dream for you.
I'm sure all of us wish we could grow up and be financially successful with a nice job and big dreams. But it takes all kinds for the world to work, just like it takes different shape blocks to make my little ball complete.
The moment you find who you are meant to be and what you are meant to do is a very sweet moment indeed. Personal peace of mind is of much greater richness than all the gold in the world. One would think that going against the flow, as I often do, and insisting on being yourself even when many in the world may say I am crazy or wrong, would not be worth it. However, it is how I feel in those quiet times when I am all alone that matters. If I cannot say "It is well with my soul" and mean it, then I reevaluate myself.
It is not an evaluation that happens once in a lifetime and that's it. I put my blocks in the correct slots many times in my childhood and as an adult, when my soul feels uneasy, I have to ask myself why. My soul is still adjusting to the realization that there is a very big possibility that I am very much a male spirit. There is a difference in my mind between being a dyke and being a male and it makes me uneasy. The uneasiness is not that I am wrong or "sinful", but that this is another coming out for me.
But such is life. There are always challenges, but when you finally get it, the personal satisfaction is worth it.
The one thing I will refuse to be is a round block being stuffed into a square hole. I will not live others dreams for me, but I will find my own dream, my own purpose, and live it the best I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment